Writen by: Unveiled Wife On October 18, 2012

Are You More Like His Mother than His Lover?


Jolene Engle is one of the first bloggers I have met face to face.  She is sweet, compassionate and a strong woman of God.  Today I have the honor of featuring her as a guest!  She has brought a great topic to discuss, challenging us wives whether we treat our husbands like his mother or his lover.  If this is something you struggle with please share in the comments below!

Jolene writes:

The need to control. That’s what we do as wives.

It’s our flesh seeping out and if we can’t get it under control, then our marital oneness will start to erode.

“And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 (NLT)

Here’s what mothering our men looks like:

We tell him he doesn’t know how to parent, how to handle finances, how to lead the family, or even how to buy groceries! Don’t believe me on this? Take a look around at our society and you’ll see how we’re being conditioned by the world as they tell us that men are a bunch of idiots, completely incompetent to handle even the smallest tasks.

Can you just let things go and enjoy the man you married?

I mean, really enjoy him like you once did when you were dating and engaged? And let’s not forget the honeymoon period. The time when you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other and you had sex all the time. After all, that was one of the MAIN reasons why you married him. (Biblically speaking, unless you’re married, sex is only designed for husband and wife.)

So, my encouragement to you would be to learn to act more like his lover rather than his mother. Come on now, does it really matter that he doesn’t fold the laundry the way you do? Or he doesn’t make the eggs the way you do?

The more you point out to him how he’s not doing things right and how you have to show him the way to do everything, then you need to face reality…. You’re treating your husband as if he’s a child and he doesn’t know how to get through life without you parenting him.

You’ve become more like his mother, rather than his lover.

When you continually take this approach with your man, a few things are going to happen in your marriage:

  1. He’s going to resist you and not put up with your nonsense. That’s code for: expect arguments to ensue in your marriage.
  2. He’s going to keep his mouth shut and pull away from you emotionally AND he’ll probably stop helping you in your endeavors. Why would he? You’re always telling him he’s doing it wrong.
  3. Your relationship becomes platonic. If you wanted a platonic relationship to begin with it, wouldn’t it have been easier to get a dog than to get married?

Release your control and rest in Christ, my sweet friend.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

So friend, do you struggle in this area?

Live a poured out life for Christ,
Jolene Engle


Jolene’s bio pic.

Jolene Engle was once a feminist who denied the existence of God, until the Lord transformed her life in 1996. For the 16 years that she has walked with her King, 10 of those years she battled chronic and debilitating illnesses, as well as sexual problems. For the past 5 years of her life, Jolene and her husband have faced financial ruin and they have lost their home, not just once, but twice. Even though her tiara is broken and her gown is tattered, she still lives as a daughter of the King, where she strives to be a godly wife to her ‘Beloved Solomon,’ (husband-Eric) and mother to her two boys, Seth and Noah as she raises them to live out their lives for the King of Kings. As a broken vessel herself, she serves her Savior through her on-line writing ministry of The Alabaster Jar where she loves to encourage, equip, and inspire other women to learn how to pour out their lives at the feet of Jesus like the perfume from an Alabaster Jar.

Unveiled Wife

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My name is Jennifer and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a wife, unveiled, uncovered and wide open, to purge my heart of the pain I have encountered AND to encourage other women in the world who are, have been, or will soon be wives... READ MY STORY HERE

Join The Discussion, Leave A Comment Below!

  • Cecilia

    Trying not to control my husband is hard. This may seem weird to some people, but I try to monitor what is on our t.v. or what type of movies we watch so we don’t see nudity. But to some extent, I know I can’t block his eyes from seeing everything…I am sure at work he sees things that are tempting and that bugs me! But I have to remind myself I CANNOT play God nor do I want to…too much stress!!!

  • Suz

    I struggle a with this area. My husband has made some pretty bad choices in the past, which has led me to believe, I need to think for all of us. It has put a great deal of stress on me. But after 20 years, he just lets me handle everything. He has no idea what bills we have or what is in the bank. If the kids need anything I typically handle it. He is a good man, but his lack of interest now is making me resent him. We got married very young, (19&21) He had a drinking issue in the beginning and I think this is where I jsut took over. Having a sick baby with CP, I had to be dad and mom until he decided he was ready to grow up.  We both are very active in the church. He does not share much so I am not sure where his walk with God is but I pray all the time that God will show him be the man our family needs him to be.

  • http://twitter.com/theperkster Scott Perkins

    Guys feel this more than you probably realize, but try to gut it out. Thanks for sharing this.


  • Marla

    It says she once was a feminist. Christ changed her.

  • Crystal Green

    I do struggle with this quite often. However, I do WANT my husband to be in control. When I back off, and give it to him our marriage is really strong and tight. There are times though that I want to take control and I tend to upset him in this way. Great blog post. :)

  • Caroline

    She was once a feminist?
    Why would you claim Christianity and Feminism are mutually exclusive?
    This article had an excellent point, but the bio made her lose a lot of legitimacy in my mind.
    I hope none of my other sisters in Christ share this view.

  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar

    Amen, Heather! Enjoy the man you married! :)

  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar

    You’re welcome!

  • Heather

    OH MY GOODNESS. Was I ever convicted upon reading this. Thank you so much, Jolene, for putting this to words. I need to let all of the inconsequential things go and let my husband be the wonderful man I married. :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1342993399 Errin Lee-Wilker

    Love this! Great reminder. Thank-you!

  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar

    Thanks dear friend for allowing me to minister here! Praying you and baby boy are doing well!

  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar


  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar

    To God be the glory!

  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar

    Thanks Brian!

  • http://www.joleneengle.org/ Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar

    Yes, Adrienne, we can still be strong women of God and not control our husbands and tear down our marriage! Thanks for sharing this with other wives.

  • Adrienne

    This really needs to get our more. This is truly a damaging thing in marriages. We can be strong women of God without controlling our husbands. Thank you for sharing this. I’m passing it on to my praying wife group.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brian.collis.3 Brian Collis

    preach, sistah!

  • http://josephiregbu.com/ Joseph Iregbu


  • keltrinswife

    Good stuff! Be blessed:)

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