Writen by: Unveiled Wife On May 24, 2012

How Facebook Almost Destroyed My Marriage

Facebook is just one of the many social media sites that has given us a new way to communicate with others.  It is used to keep up with trending topics in others lives in a quick and creative way.  Unfortunately, sin and temptation lead some people beyond appropriate relationship boundaries using these social media sites as a means of intimate communication with people outside of their marriage.  Guest blogger Dawn wanted to share with you how Facebook was used to hurt and damage her marriage.  Let this be a warning to you to be careful how you use Facebook and other social sites.  Talk to your husband about boundaries and keep each other accountable to the exclusivity of intimacy in your marriage.

I love Facebook! I have up to date pictures from my cousins mission trip to Guatemala, baby pictures within the hour of birth, prayer requests,my former students talk to me about what college their attending and so much more fun stuff. I love all that fun communication!

I hate Facebook. I hate when someone writes something distasteful, or posts pictures that are not appropriate, I hate the gossip or bashing of people but most of all I hate what it did to my marriage.

A few months back my husband came home from work and told me about how he had asked the wife of an old high school buddy if her husband had email(on Facebook). The wife soon told him they were divorced but it didn’t end there. She went on about how she was sexually abused and abused by him and then she remarried someone else and he sexually abused her daughter. My husband told me all of this conversation.  I told my husband to be careful, because she was giving too much intimate information and she could be trying to suck him in to her life.

My husband, feeling very secure in our loving wonderful marriage of 12 years said I was right and he would be careful.

Well unknown to me the conversations kept going and going.  My husband says he thought he was helping her by listening. She just kept sucking him in by heaping on the personal information.  After awhile I started having this strange feeling that something wasn’t right. I had my husband’s password to his account (because we trust each other and wanted to be accountable) on Facebook. So about 11:30am during the weekday(with a strong feeling), I logged on his account and looked at his messages.  What I didn’t realize was he was chatting with her right then! I stopped breathing for a second, I felt my whole world spin out of control.

This is what I read.
“I’m sorry you’re hurting” my husband we will call him Jack (not his real name)
“I hurt all the time, people have said they love me but they don’t really.” the woman I will call her Sue (not her real name)
“I love you” Jack
“I wish I was with you, I have been hurt so much” Sue
“I just want to hold you in my arms and carry you close to me” Jack “You are my everything. I want to make everything alright for you.”
“I wish I could hear your voice right now and feel your arms” Sue
“I’m singing to you right now. “You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are blue you never know dear how much I love you…” Jack

This is where I called him and told he was a cheat and yelled at him. I called him a cheat, a liar and I don’t know what else. I was so angry and devastated. I was still in front of the computer and as I was talking to him he wrote to her…
“I got to go somehow my wife found our conversations I deleted. I will talk later. Love you.” Jack
Sue wrote “Uh oh, you’re in trouble now.”

I wondered what was in the deleted conversations?

He told me he was coming home. I had twenty minutes to think. I started packing. My stuff and my two kids stuff. I was shaking and crying. I thought our marriage was so good. We love God, we love each other we love our kids. We go on dates, we talk to each other, we share, we hold hands, we do things for each other. How could this be? I warned him! How could he do this to God, me, to us, to our kids?

He came home and we talked and talked (Ok, I yelled some and I am not a yeller). He said he thought he could help her feel better without getting involved and until he heard my voice he didn’t really get it. I said “How could you be so stupid? She played you and I warned you.”  He said he thought he was strong enough to handle it. That he was a strong enough Christian to help her. He thought because he loved me so much he couldn’t get sucked in. He could just be a friend and help her.

I asked him if he really loved her? He said “No, he just wanted her to know somebody cared.” “He loved her like a friend.” I told him “No one should tell anyone but their spouse those things.” He said, he was sorry and I was right.

My husband was sick to his stomach, scared, shaking. He was so afraid he lost everything. He begged, pleaded, and most of all he learned a huge lesson.

No one is strong enough!

He learned his lesson and today our marriage is healing. It hurts and I still wonder about what I can’t control, but God helps me daily. We are all vulnerable to the world and to sin.

This woman needed help, but not help from my husband. I messaged her on his account and told her that she needed help but not from anybody’s husband. I went on to tell her to find a counselor and a good church and seek God for He is the only one that could help her.  She never responded back and that was ok. I needed to tell her.  I wasn’t mean, but I was firm. I forgive her and my husband, but it will take along time to trust and to heal.

We have been doing the “Love Dare” challenge and other marriage devotionals. We are doing well, and I believe we are stronger because of this. My husband says he has learned he can’t fix problems for other women or discuss personal things with other females.
He closed his Facebook account and we share one now, but he doesn’t really get on it. I try very hard to just let him know I forgive him. Jesus forgives us without bringing it up over and over again and that is how we are to forgive. Just forgive, no strings. I am not saying that I don’t get worried sometimes or that I forgot, but I ask for Gods help and He gives it. Then I go on everyday.

One of the worst things is that my husband’s family believes and tells him he did nothing wrong. They are very worldly and even though they say they believe in God, I have never seen anything but worldly behavior in them. My husband is hurt by them, because he feels they don’t understand. He is also in some ways, championed by them and that is a struggle for him. They don’t like me much. They let it be known they believe I am to conservative and that hurts, but we keep going. I know God loves me and we are doing the right thing by him.

So my love hate relationship with Facebook will continue for now. We will see what happens. I still love the updates, the prayers and the pictures, but I sure could do without some of the other stuff.

– Dawn

 

If you are interested in submitting an article to guest blog for Unveiled Wife please check out the details HERE!

Unveiled Wife

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My name is Jennifer and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a wife, unveiled, uncovered and wide open, to purge my heart of the pain I have encountered AND to encourage other women in the world who are, have been, or will soon be wives... READ MY STORY HERE

Join The Discussion, Leave A Comment Below!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    Feelings can come and go but we can choose to love everyday.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    How about letting him know how much that stuff means to you, maybe he is not aware how much you need it?

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I suggest you delete the game app and abandon all conversations with that other guy. Your marriage is important and you and your husband need to protect it!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I can’t fathom what you have endured. I am praying for you right now!

  • Tracy

    I have a couple of suggestions for you and others struggling with this issue:

    1. Buy the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I love you it goes into, and explains, establishing appropriate boundaries. Non-judgmental, good for the betrayed as well as the betrayer.

    2. There is a website that is very helping for spouses dealing with infidelity. It’s called survivinginfidelity . com

  • Rebbekah

    It’s sad that she blames Facebook for ruining her marriage. If Facebook were never invented, he would’ve found another way to do what he was doing. I get her point, Facebook makes it easier for things like that to happen, but ultimately it was her husband’s actions.

  • John Bobby

    may God watch over our marriages….He alone can heal our hurts…..if ur marriage is worth fighting for, do so…make a stand. God bless u all

  • ladybethstg

    Wow, my husband of 30 is being sucked into the same type of situation,they dated for a month or two when he was 17 and she was 13. (He is 53 now) Only he claims he loves her and is planning on leaving. When I don’t know, he tells me I am an obligation so he has to stay until he knows I’m okay. I get message’s from random common name people ( I assume they are from her), today’s message was “Only 4 months left” (her birthday is April 8th), Day after Thanksgiving message was”I hope you enjoyed your last Thanksgiving with him”. And the list goes on. I am utterly destroyed inside. She found him on Facebook but he went beyond the boundaries, and continues too.

  • NewsJunkie01

    I have mixed feelings about this article. Try being married to a woman who is jealous to the point of being irrational. She had me followed, my cellphone traced. I would be called every ten minutes. Her excuse was that all men have the capacity to cheat. There is no exception. Nothing went on. I went to work. I came home. I only have male friends. The marriage quickly fell apart and I left her the night she threw an ashtray at me and it then became an issue of personal safety because I wanted to take a trip out of state to visit my grandmother. I was stalked by her during divorce proceedings and had to move out of state to get away from her. I apologize if this sounds harsh but many women need to grow a backbone and stop being so suspicious. The media today has made men in general the “bad guy.” If you can’t trust anyone DON’T GET MARRIED! Period! This psychologically damaged me to the point that now though I am now re-married to a wonderful Christian lady I still have anxiety issues and am in heavy counseling for it. I still wait for her to explode and throw things at me even though she doesn’t. I don’t want to see any man or woman go through this. I actually am one of few men who understand what battered and abused women go through. I don’t know if I will ever get back to normal but I pray everyday for God to help me forgive and to love by brothers and sisters in Christ as he loves us.

  • Donna Cooper-Collins

    God would not want you to suffer in a loveless marriage for your entire life either. I do believe he/she/it would be perfectly ok with a woman or a man leaving a marriage that was doing more harm than good to both people involved. It makes no amount of sense to believe that the higher power would be angry because you chose to be happy instead of miserable.

  • Derek

    God also wants marriage to work. You may want to look into counseling with your husband.

  • Steve W

    You say she played him. While that may be true… he played you! Be careful with him.

  • JJ

    I also have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love to share news, photos with family and friends. But I hate that my marriage was destroyed with the help of Facebook. My husband found his high school sweetheart on Facebook. They connected and I’m sure had many conversations similar to what is mentioned in the article. My husband divorced me so that he could marry her. She divorced her husband so that she could marry him and now they are “happier than they’ve ever been” (her words) while I struggle with the devastation, heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment and the embarrassment and shame of a divorce I did not want. I’m afraid that I will never be able to love again and that I will never be able to trust again. I don’t blame Facebook for the demise of my marriage, it just made it easier. He made the choice to leave me. I wish he had chosen me. I don’t know what the answer is.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    So sorry to hear what you are going through. I am praying that The Lord captures your husband’s heart and that your marriage is transformed!

  • Ladyjames123

    I am in constant competition with my husbands “girls” whether it is the FB ones or the “adult entertainment” ones…as much as I try to understand, I can’t even get him to tell me the truth when I put the proof in front of him…II have pretty much accepted what I married and I won’t ever contentiously be the one creating a problem we can’t move past or the one that leaves.But i f I can so easily find it, on his phone, computer, nook etc…I know the kids could too…Media ruined my marriage before it even started and I didn’t know it until it was too late.

  • Kristin Rader

    I have to say that Facebook did not hurt your marriage, your husband did by making a choice to continue contact with her in a more than friendly way. Why blame social media for a choice that He made? I understand that if it were not for Facebook that he would not have been in touch with her, however, once he was warned by you, and once things got more than just “hello, hows life?” he made the choice to continue the communication. HE made the choice. Facebook was just one of the many meeting places in cyber land. I think taking the blame from him and placing it on Facebook (“i hate Facebook because of what IT did to our marriage”) Part of the healing process should be to place the responsibilty on the individual, not the catalist.

  • Ahmed Mostafa

    Yes thats true, i`m last victem of it and all social sites.
    its lead you to have doubts, and many of people involved inside your life by that fake way.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so sorry to hear that. I am praying for you right now.

  • Amber

    God does not want you to just leave and find someone else. If there are worries in the relationship then I pray that each of you fight “to the death” to save and make the marriage work. Seek out any and all help that you possibly can. Don’t let the devil win.

  • nicdavidson

    Hi, everyone! My name’s Nic and I just finished reading the article and all of the comments. I’m so so sorry that there has been so much pain and loneliness in your lives. My wife and i had our fare share of struggles and “wanderings” in our marriage, as well.

    When we’d been married just over 6 years, and were again faltering, especially in the area of intimacy/sexuality, we were invited to go to a talk about something called “Theology of the Body”(TOB). I went in completely ignorant of what it was and came out a changed man who knew he needed to make a drastic change in life.

    The core of TOB is the belief that you are good, wonderful, dignified, worthwhile, and beautiful in the eyes of God and are worth of a person laying down their life for you. It talks about how the opposite of loving someone is when we treat them as an object through which we can get what we think we need, whether it be sex or affection, gratification or protection. Real love only gives, never grasps.

    And, ultimately, all relationships we have are intended to be pipelines to the actual love that God has for us. So, when our focus is not on that kind of relationship and love, then we end up going all sorts of places for the things we need, i.e., Facebook, porn, co-workers, etc.

    I promise that I’m not self-promoting, or whatever, but since ’08, I’ve been privileged to get to travel all over and do whole conferences on this topic. Many of the talks are recorded and available for free on my blog, if you’re looking for an amazing way to approach pitfalls, sexuality, and love.

    Here’s an Intro to TOB talk I gave, recently: http://nicandjacelyn.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/tob-at-cac-intro-session.mp3

    And for hours upon hours of TOB, you can go here: http://deathbeforedeath.wordpress.com/theology-of-the-body/

    Thank you all for your openness and honesty in the comments!

  • proverbs31

    Why do you think God said, “Love the Lord with all your
    heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your
    strength.” Mark 12:30 Not even your spouse could fulfill you like Christ can.
    No matter how good a spouse could be, they are bound to make mistakes. No one
    is strong enough in this worldly relationship, but a strong relationship with
    God is unbreakable. Your husband might cheat, he might become unfaithful, but as
    long as your faith stands firm in God, you will always be worthy.

    You have to be the woman that is drenched in “Proverbs 31”.
    Because no matter how bad something turns out, you will never be overlooked,
    especially to the One that matters the most, God.

    If he wants to act like a child, do what is necessary. If he
    wants to act like a teenager, do what is needed. Men don’t speak Women language, and Women don’t speak Men language. BUT the moment you start to learn, TRUST ME you will see results. If you shout and yell, he doesn’t care, he’ll feel bad but he
    won’t take you seriously. If you continue to let him get away with it, you’ll
    find yourself in a deep hole, not ever knowing how to get out and get use
    to it. STOP letting your EMOTIONS take control! The scariest thing to a man is when a woman becomes silent.

    SO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. BE BOLD. BE BEAUTIFUL. BE BRAVE. BE
    THE WOMEN DRENCHED IN PROVERBS 31!!

  • Getthatsickooffthestreets

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have just been through this and the relationship ended because he couldn’t see the issue with it, It hurts so much. Thank you for being so open. In a way, I know I made a hard, but, right decision. Prayers for you both. <3

  • Jessica Gale Trikosko Pitre

    I remember listening to a speaker a few years ago, & she had said, “An affair usually begins LONG before that kiss left the lips.”

  • tasha

    wow, you are really naive! He was shaking and crying because he got CAUGHT! Not because he felt bad, if he did, he wouldn’t have let it get that far. Do you really believe him and those lies? I am all for marriage and fighting for it but you have to be realistic and know all of the truth. It is really sad that this made you think your relationship is stronger now. He may not have a fb but there are so many other sites and ways of communication. You must have a lot of trust. I hope it works for you.

  • http://www.steveblanchard.com/ Steve Blanchard

    Thanks for posting the article – I too think Facebook is a love/hate relationship. I really love it because I can keep in touch with family and friends – especially because I don’t live in my home state, but Facebook defin has it’s downsides and stuff that I don’t want to see (though they do have some controls to block or hide newsfeeds). I did some research and wrote up a post awhile back also why it may be bad: http://www.steveblanchard.com/2013/08/21/why-facebook-may-be-bad-for-you/

  • Jessica Gale Trikosko Pitre

    Check his email notifications…

  • grace

    get some good spyware, you need to know what is going on to know how to react and what to do! I know I facebook a lot when my husband is not meeting my needs, maybe reflect on your behavior and see if there is anything you might be able to do to get his attention back. Not saying you are doing anything wrong at all, sometimes a spouse just starts to turn away. You could always do like I have thought of doing and grab the laptop out of his hands and throw it in the driveway and run it over with your minivan :)

  • grace

    don’t wives snoop on their husbands? LOL! I can see how this could happen to anyone. Back when I was still single I messaged an old married boyfriend, and I wasn’t trying to pull anything, just say hi, your babies are cute. He never responded and I thought ‘what a good guy!’ Later in my own marriage my husband was contacted by an old girlfriend and he did respond and I had this weird feeling for a few weeks and I was planning a vaca for us, so I checked his email to see if there was a confirmation or something I had forgotten about and I found the emails. He didn’t respond well, and I still have trust issues as a result of that and many other things. God heals relationships though, and time builds trust. :) It is so important to ignore your husbands family that is supportive of his cheating. Emotional cheating is cheating and there is a short distance between emotional cheating and real life getting it on cheating. Anyway, I am glad that you found the emails before things went somewhere way worse and I am glad that you have decided to stay together and work things out!!!!!!

  • Sarah Rayner Hancock

    The trust was lost because of what HE did ..not her!! Jen did what she needed to do… otherwise things would have progressed had she not intervened and confirmed what she believed was happening. Her husband had given her the password and full access to the account. He gave her permission from the beginning to check the account. Nicky S…if you believed and even knew you were being cheated on, would you not do what ever it took to save your marriage even at the small expense of checking your husbands email? Obviously asking him details was not getting her the correct answers because it appears he was lying to save his butt. This has nothing to do with her self confidence. She did what she should have done and now her marriage is on it’s way to being healed. Had she not done so she would likely be suffering one of the ultimate sufferings of cheating and divorce. Anyone who can’t give full sympathy to this woman does not know what true love is. She just wants to be loved.

  • Jennifer Heberling Krausz

    I think Facebook is like anything else. If you have good boundaries and and open relationship with your spouse, this stuff isn’t going to happen. I think if you don’t shut it down right away when someone crosses the line and gets too intimate, then it becomes a problem. It should be a red flag if you feel you have to sneak around. My husband was concerned when I first started on Facebook, we talked about it, and he then joined too. We have most of our friends in common, and I feel like we have good boundaries. I don’t get into much private messaging and especially not with males, if it goes past the surface I cut it off. Also, I agree with not getting together with opposite sex friends alone, without the spouse.

  • kerri Johnson

    I lost my marriage due to the same thing. He thought he was helping her and they sucked each other in. He thinks he is Superman and can save everyone. It turned to private email accounts then twitter to a sexual relationship. They are now married and I am grieving and have a hard time trusting

  • amamda

    Nick s you are as.cold as the other woman
    Keep your ignorance to yourself. Why can’t you try supporting? Instead of all the.negativity

  • Linda Darling Jaramillo

    I know the hurt you are going through and my prayers are being sent for the healing of your heart…5 years ago I was in a very similar situation..There was never any sex involved but seeing that he told her he loved her tore my heart in two. We actually split up for a while but God put us back together. I pray every day to help me with my trust issues. It has been a long road to healing.

  • Rose Fails

    Unfortunately I’ve been on both ends of this story. I knew a guy for 20 years from NY who then moved to FL around the same time I did. He found me online after i mobed back up north and proceeded to tell me that though he was legally married he was separated, had his own apartment and was headed towards divorce. Of course i cared about him, listened, felt awful as he described her as an awful woman and how hed been a great stepdad to her daughter. I don’t know what the true story was but his wife wrote me an email stating that he was still very much married. They didn’t divorce for another 5 years. Also I learned through the internet thay under the guise of being a photographer he’d run the same games on multiple women in St. Pete/Tampa area. To this day I feel beyond stupid and I risked losing a lot of things (personally and professionally) on my end by constantly flying down to Florida to try and make something work with a man who lies to everyone. My advice to everyone unfortunately is spy and and snoop rather than rely on blind faith.

  • nanc

    I so wish my husband would see the merit in “if you don’t want to get burned, don’t stand next to the fire”. These sins don’t usually start on purpose.

  • Nicky S

    Also, if my children had you as a teacher i’d have to ask either for a change of teacher or move schools altogether. Your spelling and grammar are appalling and I’d be ashamed to know a member of my family had you to look up to.

  • Nicky S

    Oh my word, sorry but had to comment on this. What is wrong with trust in a relationship? Why is it all the other womans fault? If you felt the need to log into his facebook whether or not you shared the passwords then thee’s clearly something wrong in this relationship! Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you I do but it seems you need to work on your self confidence.

  • rachel

    I’m dealing with the exact same problem. I don’t know what to do! He doesn’t help me do anything, he doesn’t show affection to me. I feel like a single mom with a lazy roommate!

  • nani

    My husband is always on FB chatting with the people in his group, many women. I recently found out that they private message each other a lot (not just him and one person but he and a variety at different times). He is constantly on facebook, he doesn’t spend time with me or the kids, he is in school but chooses FB over doing his work. When I approach him about how I feel (lonely, cast aside, unworthy, unloved… and the kids- don’t get me started on how they feel about the situation, lets just say they are sad)- he gets mad at me. He accuses me of not giving him his space, he works all day and should be able to “unwind”, I am left more upset and more angry. Does anyone have any suggestions?

  • Vicki

    how do i find out about my hubby hidding message?

  • JJP2010

    This is what we do (except hubby doesn’t have a fb account and I do). You have to protect your marriage if you want it to last. This “work spouse” trend is not OK in my opinion. Most people have at least some access to texting/email at work so if they have issues or need emotional support they can contact their real spouse!

  • JJP2010

    This isn’t marriage, find a man who wants what you want. There is no shame in divorce. You’re suffering for nothing, God wants you to be happy.

  • JJP2010

    OK yall God doesn’t want you to suffer in these horrible unfaithful relationships. These comments are making me so sad and angry. If you want to be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t, then leave and find someone who wants what you want.

  • Lela

    My hubby and I have a ” no opposite – sex friends” rule. No lunch dates, chatting on the phone, dinners out(or we go as a couple) , etc. Of course it’s okay to be polite and speak to someone if we see them out somewhere. A lot of people disagree with our rule but it works for us. It has stopped several ” pursuits” in their tracks. We also share a Facebook account. Both were my husband’s ideas and I agreed whole heartedly. Both of us had several opposite sex friends before we were married, but our relationships with them were not worth giving up our marriage or the piece of mind and trust in each other.

  • Chelsea Covington

    Last December my husband told me that him and my son were going to take a nap, so during my lunch break from work I went to a restaurant nearby to grab a bite to eat and there was my husband and my baby having lunch with his ex-girlfriend. I was enraged and hurt. After the fighting and the yelling of it, I logged onto our cell phone account and saw that they had been talking since before we got married. Everything to me felt like a lie. He said he just wanted to show our baby off, and that we had a happy life, but I couldn’t help but think she wanted to suck him in. We talked and I forgave him but it was hard, It still hurts me to this day to even think about it. I try to stay off my phone as much as possible to promote a healthy lifestyle but its the hardest thing. My husband is CONSTANTLY on his phone, I trust that he isn’t doing anything now, but I will always wonder. Your story hurts my heart, but I am glad that you and your husband are working towards a better life and that you can find peace. Its a hard struggle being decieved. :(

  • faith

    My sincere thanks goes to the Great lady that brought happiness in to my marriage! thisspelll lady “priestess Ifaa” is truthful and does not misrepresent herself. I have been working with this priestess since a week now, husband has decide to treat me and our kids like a piece of trash all because has find a small girl he claims he love. I don’t know what I would done without this spell lady who did a spell to bring my husband to his senses. Her spell works for me without doubt and she is currently helping a friend of mine i referred to her. This spell lady brought my husband back my me and my husbad stopped those aact and he is now very different from the way he use to be!You can also meet this spell lady to have your problem solved by meeting her on her email templeoflove1@yahoo.com

  • faith

    My sincere thanks goes to the Great lady that brought happiness in to my marriage! thisspelll lady “priestess Ifaa” is truthful and does not misrepresent herself. I have been working with this priestess since a week now, husband has decide to treat me and our kids like a piece of trash all because has find a small girl he claims he love. I don’t know what I would done without this spell lady who did a spell to bring my husband to his senses. Her spell works for me without doubt and she is currently helping a friend of mine i referred to her. This spell lady brought my husband back my me and my husbad stopped those aact and he is now very different from the way he use to be!You can also meet this spell lady to have your problem solved by meeting her on her email templeoflove1@yahoo.com Patricia

  • KJEB

    I agree, no one is strong enough to allow themselves to be in situations of any kind that would leave things to question or vulnerabilities. Trust is important, and we can and don’t want to have to check up on our spouses, but we also have to be protective and follow our instincts as well. I also think we just have to let our spouses know that some things are NOT EVER acceptable such as personal emails, chatting, lunch dates, travelling, one on one meetings and conversations, exercise, really anything where they would be alone with just 1 women and especially not to ever discuss their personal life with any of woman for any reason nor listen to theirs. Just have very strict and clear boundaries from the beginning and very clear consequences. I do believe in forgiveness and listening to our spouses sides of the story is Christlike. But at the same time, remember to not be afraid to hold them 100% accountable for their actions of any kind and accountable means consequences – if you take that accountability and natural consequence away for the purpose of “saving the marriage” – then it’s more like you are “saving the wedding” not the marriage. Just like children need to be held accountable and go through consequences, that needs to be a part of the forgiveness process in my mind. Whether those consequences are the complete loss of trust and needing of 100% accountability and proof of everything or even more extreme as in and therefore needing personal time away to think about whether trust is possible again – not as a threat, but as real life natural consequence and process. I am concerned with how many of you here that shared that when your spouse cheated, either emotionally or physically-which both are equally devastating, that you then down play your spouses accountability and blame the other woman AND believe your spouse when they say “they didn’t mean it”. Especially because you saw the actual chat to that lady and what was said on BOTH sides including his worry of being caught right when you were talking to him – and then he said “I love you to her” at that point. I’m not trying to stir things up, but I just think I would be questioning what is the truth then it what he says and why he and his family think he is innocent. He says he was just trying to help her feel loved – again not personally taking accountability and being truthful. If he says things he doesn’t really mean what he said to her and what happened – that is NOT owning up to it and that is an easy out. But the real truth is that it is much easier for the spouse to hear that than what the alternative or real truth may be, and maybe the truth would be too much to bear for the relationship – but he has lost that right to make that decision. I am sure it is much easier and less painful for anyone to accept and hear that he says he did not love her or that he was just trying to help her but it was her that pursued and lured him in. No one would want to hear a different story and he would not want to tell it because it would be so damaging. But the problem is, he is not admitting he did something very seriously wrong and and not owning it Everyone deserves a chance at forgiveness, but the first real step of forgiveness is admitting it was wrong or the real forgiveness process through God cannot happen. And they still to feel the weight consequences of their choice being that they have lost the right to have your complete faith and trust and whatever changes that brings. If they do not feel the “natural” consequences of their actions and as wives we just blame the other woman and don’t have any or allow the consequences to happen, then they will feel justified, free and very likely to do it again – they will not get it or learn or respect you – because in cheating on you, they are NOT respecting you – it’s an insult. I’m not saying that you or others should keep “punishing” your husband, I’m just saying make sure that you are firm with the true process forgiveness. Men will respect you more if you respect yourself first. You have to put God and yourself first and know that you are very worthy and deserving of someone who would never want to hurt or compromise your trust and faith. I obviously do not know everything about your personal relationship and everything you went through and are going through still. But I hope you make sure you take yourself first and strive to be very confident in yourself, who you are, what you deserve, and what you will not allow. Because unless you feel that way about yourself and make that clear, he will not feel that way about you either. Lastly, it’s always a lie that the woman pressured him or forced him, that’s an easy cop out and guys know that the woman wants to hear that because she naturally despises the other woman. But he “chose” just as much as she did to be vulnerable and participate and is equally to blame as her, even if she was assertive – that doesn’t matter, his actions are all that matter. The fact that it sounds like he didn’t fully own up to the truth along with his family thinking he is a Saint no matter what, is cause for alarm. People make mistakes and can change, but if they don’t really think they have done something wrong and they blame others it was all because of some were fully to blame for their actions, then they are not likely to really change.

  • Eddie

    Your story is very touching.I went through a similar struggle. Long story short my wife started a relationship on Facebook, I found out, we talked, I forgave her. We have 2 kids, God helped me forgive her. I still have random thoughts that creep in my head but I try my best to stay firm. It is some what comforting knowing that I’m not along. Sorry if that sounds selfish of me. God bless

  • natasha12

    Last month, it was my birthday, the anniversary of my late husband’s
    death, and a time when I experienced another loss in my family. I was in
    total depression also because the gentleman I had been seeing for
    nearly a year decided to cut ties with me. All this happened at the
    same time, and my heart was broken. Then I found Ekaka email:
    ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com and all my luck turned around – especially
    because the master did a wonderful spell of Love for me and my dearest
    companion, who decided he had made a terrible mistake by leaving me. We
    even took a much-needed vacation. It meant the world to me, and I have
    you to thank for it. I send you Prayers

  • TRINITY813

    I’m going through the same exact thing and as I pray for your marriage please pray for mines. thanks- shay

  • TRINITY813

    I’m kind of going through this same situation. We have been married going on 3 years in January, we have 3 kids together and it’s like he continues to do the same things over and over. I don’t know if he’s actually enagaged in any sexual relationships but I’ve caught him on various social sites talking to other women. Saying things I don’t even want to mention. Its really starting to make me hate him because I’m tired of talking to him about the same thing. His phone is constantly locked. He’s always giving women his phone number. Im only 24 and I don’t know what to do. He’s 34. Im a Christian and I believe in marriage and being committed, but he is really burdening me with this feeling, I cant trust him, im always finding something. I’m just sick and tired. I’m not totally happy, I don’t even like to have sex because in the back of my mind im thinking about how he just keeps violating marriage vows. I need someone to talk to.

  • josef

    This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i meant a post where this man Lord Kalifat have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my love Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: lordkalifat@gmail.com he is a good man and straight forward human again his email is…… lordkalifat@gmail.com

  • Kayla

    Take that language elsewhere, please. You’re missing the entire point of this (very vulnerable and personal) post.

  • colinwoods

    You sure he wasnt fucking her? Could be just BSing you in saying he didnt want her to feel lonely etc.

  • Edwina Lorres

    Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so much. in this kind of situation where one loses his/her soul mate there are several dangers engage in it. one may no longer be able to do the things he was doing before then success will be very scarce and happiness will be rare. that person was created to be with you for without him things may fall apart.
    That was my experience late last year. but thank god today i am happy with him again. all thanks to DR AKPAKPA, i was nearly loosing hope until i saw an article on how DR AKPAKPA could cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, i said to my self. i contacted him via email: afiamensolutionshrine@yahoo.com. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. i have promised to share the good news as long as i live.

  • Jacinda Hope Cardone

    I read this and then had a discussion with my boyfriend (we have two children together and have been together for 3 years) about this blog post. I have had problems in the past of him with other women and flirting and “sexting” them online. I have broken into his facebook in the past and found horrible things and while I was pregnant with our child. I feel in my heart that he still does it. I just asked him if he would share passwords and he gave me a whole lecture on why he needs his privacy. I think it is bull. I always tell him I have nothing to hide. I leave my facebook page open all the time and have told him my password in hopes he would realize I am an honest women and perhaps give me his or stop his behaviors.

  • Sandra Goldstein

    I sympathize with you wholeheartedly and hope your situation resolves itself. Like you, I love Facebook. It helps me stay in touch with family and friends, especially those who now reside far from home. But there are drawbacks, too. A whole bunch of people are using Facebook for unsavory ends and that kind of makes me sad. You wonder what goes on, what people are up to. Recently I discovered that my husband had been tracking old girlfriends from school. One girl took his fancy in particular, his date from his high school prom. So he downloaded her pictures – even pictures of her dog – and checked in with her under a fake account. We’ve talked, and there is NOTHING GOING ON. He assures me and I trust him. But man, it’s still kinda CREEPY and it’s made me feel insecure, like I did something wrong to make him go digging around in the past. All the guys I knew in school were dorks. Why would I want to see their spotty faces again? How can we tackle people setting up fake accounts? Maybe there’s some way of formally ID-ing the whole log-on thing?

  • elen

    Thank you thank you DR IMOMOH for what you have just done, for helping me getting my husband who left me with two kids years ago to me I thank you so much the great ogodomi of imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com for Bringing back my family i am great full and will always be if you also Need his help his email (imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com ) My name is elen jones I am from spain i want to share my happiness with the general public of what DR imomoh of india but now in africa has done for me in the last few weeks i was once in love this guy called McCarty we in love with each other until traveled out of my state for two year and we promise ourselves to be together forever, but before return from my journey he where now having another lover when i try to come back to he. He told me i should go away i love him so much that i could not let he go just like that then i told a friend about it and she advice me and recommend this man imomoh for me when i visit he at imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com he only ask me to buy some items for sacrifices to help me get my ex back and he actually did it and it work well and today I am happy with incase any one is out there with same problem or any kind I advice he or she to contact this man today at imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com and with what he did for me I believe he can also help you thank once again Dr Imomoh

  • Cheryl

    We have briefly discussed the idea. I don’t want to speak to anyone at our own church. That would be too humiliating for me since I was on staff there for 2 years. But at the same time, the way he lies, I don’t know that we’d get anywhere with counseling. He will just tell them things that aren’t true so that he doesn’t look bad like he always does. He keeps promising it’s 100% over and that he loves me and wants to fix things, but who really knows. I haven’t exactly seen much effort towards that. I had to have a major surgery yesterday on my vocal cords, and although he was there, I’ve never felt more alone. His job currently has him living at the house where she lives, but in a different section. They both work for the boarding house at the school where I teach, dealing with the international students. He was assigned to that house for the month of July. I told him he needed to quit immediately, that there was absolutely no way he was staying at that house if he wanted to fix things. The messages I found between them were on his first day at that house, right after they had just kissed! That was Saturday. I told them he needed to leave that night. Then I gave him until Tuesday so they could find a replacement. Tuesday turned into Friday, which he’s now trying to push until the weekend. Am I crazy? He CANNOT live at that house. Am I a total idiot for not kicking him out by now? Seems to me if he really wanted to fix things (that he would do “anything” as he said), he would have left that house by now. I understand that he’s trying to be responsible and not jeopardize future jobs, but now it’s time to be responsible as a husband. With my surgery, I’m now not allowed to talk or cry or anything for several weeks. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life, and I somehow have to control my emotions. Advice?

  • RoniV

    Hi Jennifer,
    I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I’m going through a similar situation and although still in the shocked stage it helps me to come here. Although it’s not a sisterhood I’m happy to part of I’m glad to know we as a group came come here and share, learn and hopefully help others. God bless us all.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    So sorry to hear all that you are going through! Have you asked your husband to join you in seeking a Christian Counselor to help?

  • Cheryl

    Thank you for sharing. I am in a similar situation right now. A woman that both my husband and I work with has become very close friends with my husband. She was my friend too, but I began to notice that their relationship was too close. I wasn’t comfortable with it AT ALL. I asked them both to stop talking and hanging out, and they both agreed. I then found out a couple months later they were still talking and hanging out, although they both promised me they weren’t. When caught hanging out together, my husband would continually say, “It’s not like that. We’re just friends. I am strong enough and have enough self-control that I would never let it turn into something else.” I still wasn’t ok with it and made that very clear. Finally months later, I just found out this weekend that about a month ago, they started having an affair. No sex, thank God. But kissing and a deep intimate connection. Somehow I received a facebook message forwarded to me from my husband’s account. It came from him, but HE didn’t send it. We have no idea how I got it. I 200% believe that God intervened and sent it to me. In the conversation, they both told each other how deeply in love they are with each other, how they could kiss for all eternity, how they’re meant to be together, etc. Meanwhile, she is also married and has 2 kids. I confronted them both. My husband claims he didn’t mean any of those things, that he was just looking for attention and liked the attention from her. She claims that she didn’t mean those things either but was just saying them and going along with it because she felt sorry for him, as apparently he’d been telling her how our marriage was struggling and how I didn’t care for him— a total lie. I am heartbroken. I know he somewhat has feelings for her. He was too deep in for there to not be feelings. I’ve been so betrayed. Sadly, you can message a person on Facebook even if you’re not “friends” with them. My husband had agreed to defriend her a month ago, so I was no longer worried about Facebook, yet they had found a way around it. I’m praying for major direction right now. Hard to walk away from my marriage of 9 years, but I don’t trust him. He’s had inappropriate conversations via social media on several occasions in the past, but this is the first time it escalated into “I Love You”s and actual physical contact. We have both worked in ministry for years. We were in the process of starting our own youth ministry. I don’t know what’s real anymore. He lies too. Always lies about this stuff. So even if I stay in this marriage, seems like he’s bound to do it again. But I love him so much, I don’t know how to let go. Advice?

  • Kathy

    Debating whether to contribute, I felt I had to share a scenario very
    similar to the original story above. I will call myself Sue and the
    found friend from the past as Jack. My intentions were sincere and
    honest to finding school friends. He was the one that initiated the
    advances. He also gave the appearance that he wanted to know everything
    about me and encouraged me to be open. He said he was a good listener,
    a friend and wanted to be there for me. We both are married. Mine was
    on shaky gound, and he led me to believe that his was too.

    To
    make a very long story short, I do believe his wife found out about the
    communication as he was staying up late at night chatting with me. I
    also believe that he blamed it on me, by telling her that I poured out
    my problems to him and he was just trying to be a friend.
    The lies
    he fed me went way beyond friendship. He lied to me and her. I have
    since found out he is doing this to other women on facebook.

    I feel like an idiot and very sorry for his wife. He has pulled the
    wool over her eyes too as he treats her like a queen while sneaking
    around on a social media.

  • Brittney

    Thank you for sharing. This reminded me of somethings that have happened in my past with my husband. I have said that I have forgiven him but I think deep down I haven’t. I pray daily but this is still a struggle. Thank you again!

  • Rachel Foulk

    I know someone who left his wife and new-born daughter for his high school sweetheart that he re-connected with on fb. The marriage ended in divorce and his “girlfriend” left shortly after. So sad. I’m sorry.

  • Terri

    I married a man who violated my trust while we were engaged. I do not recommend marrying a man who has violated your trust. Trust is like a piece of paper. Once you crumple it…now matter how gently and carefully you try to straighten it out… you will still see the wrinkles. After 20 years of a miserable marriage filled with trust issues I am divorced from him now. I should have never married him. I have remarried a man I feel very secure with and I know that God has his heart.

  • Jennifer

    My husband also reconnected with an old friend on facebook. Well, actually she found and pursued him… she eventually convinced him to meet her and they have been having an emotional and I suspect a physical affair for almost 3 years. I suspected something was going on almost from the beginning… I could just tell. As someone else said, a wife can tell when she no longer has her husband’s heart. I have had proof of my suspicions for about 9 months now. I knew immediately that I had no intention of giving up on my marriage. My marriage is worth fighting for. I have confronted my husband a few times, but he still refuses to admit to me that anything is going on. When I questioned the phone number on his cell phone.. he insisted it belonged to a male friend. Even after my confrontation he continues to insist that is the case. Anytime I try to talk to him he just gets angry and tells me that he doesn’t have any intention of leaving me or he would have already done so. I will continue to pray for my marriage and my husband. This website has been an inspiration to me. I was watching an episode of “Touched by an Angel” the other day and it was about a man that had died and his wife and mistress were fighting over his ashes. The angel asked the wife at the end of the show why she didn’t confront her husband and fight for her marriage. I realized then that I have weakly confronted my husband.. I am scared to push too hard for fear of pushing him away. However since watching this show I have been thinking about what the angels said about not needing to be scared because if I am willing to fight and stand up for my marriage, God is ready and willing to fight with me. Please remember my marriage and my husband in your prayers.

  • Jennifer

    My husband also reconnected with an old friend on facebook. Well, actually she found and pursued him… she eventually convinced him to meet her and they have been having an emotional and I suspect a physical affair for almost 3 years. I suspected something was going on almost from the beginning… I could just tell. As someone else said, a wife can tell when she no longer has her husband’s heart. I have had proof of my suspicions for about 9 months now. I knew immediately that I had no intention of giving up on my marriage. My marriage is worth fighting for. I have confronted my husband a few times, but he still refuses to admit to me that anything is going on. When I questioned the phone number on his cell phone.. he insisted it belonged to a male friend. Even after my confrontation he continues to insist that is the case. Anytime I try to talk to him he just gets angry and tells me that he doesn’t have any intention of leaving me or he would have already done so. I will continue to pray for my marriage and my husband. This website has been an inspiration to me. I was watching an episode of “Touched by an Angel” the other day and it was about a man that had died and his wife and mistress were fighting over his ashes. The angel asked the wife at the end of the show why she didn’t confront her husband and fight for her marriage. I realized then that I have weakly confronted my husband.. I am scared to push too hard for fear of pushing him away. However since watching this show I have been thinking about what the angels said about not needing to be scared because if I am willing to fight and stand up for my marriage, God is ready and willing to fight with me. Please remember my marriage and my husband in your prayers.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    So sorry!

  • Life goes on

    My ex husband actually left me and our two kids for an old friend he reconnected with on facebook.

  • mindy coffey

    That is one thing I never worried about was cheating w/ my husband, he goes to work & comes straight home & never has he went out anywhere like w/ friends or on trips without me going too & is very honest with me…I’m very thankful for that & also, Love Dare is one of my favorite books ever, thinking about doing the dares a second time :)

  • lonely and hurt

    I suppose I could ‘hate’ texting, emails, and iphones.. My husband (just ‘celebrated’ 30 years) was texting ‘Helen’, my best friend 3 years ago. They were ‘fixing our marriages’ and associating song lyrics to their previous sexual adventures, feeling they were justified because they were just ‘friends’ and ?didn’t have intimate, physical relations. It’s impossible to avoid ‘Helen’ in our small town and with our teens in the same class. ‘Alan’ and I have started fighting again, resulting in an insecure and unstable family situation for our teenager (3 adult kids, too) I am certain the relationship has rekindled; they vowed to wait 5 years to be together, when our kids were out of high school. I sleep 2 hours a night, shake continuously, lost my appetitie and try desparately to hold it together for our teenager.
    Thanks to your website clarifying that marriage is a Christian union and society urges us to ‘leave’, separate, divorce, etc, I am contemplating the next step to hopefully retain a stable family life with a mother and a father for our teenager.
    Please pray for me and my marriage.

  • Tirsit Endeshaw

    Smart

  • Tirsit Endeshaw

    Really interesting history. I have learned a lot.

  • SKYQuadD

    I am praying for you and your husband. God is enough. His grace and His truth are always sufficient. I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties. <3

  • Kirstie Wichman

    I have struggled with Facebook as most of our family on both sides only uses that for communication. But I realized most of it was bad and it is a powerful tool that many hide behind to do things they would not normally do. There are good things also… But I have had to just close our accounts for peace and to save our marriage. We married late in life and I was a single mom…. God has brought us through some hard things but the biggest was learning boundaries. FB was a chronic boundary issue for people in our life. Thanks for sharing your story. Prayers and blessings for you and your marriage!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeanine.chisum Jeanine Chisum

    Same thing happened to us a few years back. My husband was conversing with a lady he didn’t know and she sucked him by getting him to feel sorry for her. We moved on and just celebrated 16 years. God is Good!

  • Kat

    This post left a sick feeling in my stomach, I discovered my husband in a very similar situation just a few days ago, and the following scene played out almost exactly like this. The difference is that my husband had gone online purposefully looking for women to talk to, as I had unknowingly made him unhappy at home for quite some time because of a moral choice he had made that I could not agree with. My husband was shocked into realising he could lose us, and so sincerely rep. entant that I didn’t know what to doI begged God for wisdom and He gave me forgiveness for my husband, and encouragement that we still have a wonderful future together. So now I am confident in the loving arms of my Papa, and enjoying my husband’s newfound love and appreciation of me. The pain will take it’s time to heal though, and reading this has brought back the tears. I can’t wait for him to come home from work and hold me tight again!

  • Vickilynn

    Unfortunately, I’m living this exact nightmare right now. My husband left me two weeks ago. He will not own up to his EA via FB but I found evidence last Summer. I got the whole “We’re just friends” line, but a wife knows when her husband’s heart has left her for another. He still is denying it but yet decided to separate from me. There are more issues underlying than just the emotional affair but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

  • Guest2.0

    While I wouldn’t argue that Facebook makes adultery easier, I think putting the blame on it is like trying to blame a drive thru for people being overweight.

    This man was already in the mind-set to cheat. If he wasn’t, this wouldn’t have happened and he would have ended his chat with the woman, after being caught, with ‘Love you.’

    While I understand some feel that fighting for their marriage is the only route to go, this woman should never be secure in her husband. He has cheated and given the open oppurtunity probably will again. That time, he’ll just make sure he doesn’t get caught.

  • http://www.facebook.com/michelle.garvin.37 Michelle Garvin

    This is almost exactly what happened to us. My husband started playing video games and cards. While there you could chat. I thought nothing of it. He made several friends who they did nor meet in person just visiting while playing a video game. This one woman started to always want to talk to him. She had marital troubles. She would complain how her husband ignored her constantly. She would not only Facebook but send my spouse jokes on the phone or email jokes. I still did not think much of it. I mean, she was married and my husband and I have been together seventeen years. Soon she friends me, I accept it, whatever. After months I find she texts him and I intercept it. She says she loves him and cannot wait til they can be together. Now I go back to read messages, they say they love each other and she complains of her husband. She tries to convince him I am a bad wife, bad mom, and I don’t give him enough sex. I am furious. He and I fight. First he denies. Then admits he was trying to be nice. We had to go to marriage counseling for a year! He deleted her and told her to leave him alone, she even messages our KIDS asking if I am a bad mom or on drugs! This was a nightmare. And it has been over a year!! Be careful, some do not value marriage as others do!

  • http://www.masterpiece-beth.com/ Beth Zimmerman

    I could have written most of this article … except my husband and I had been married 33 years and it progressed past Facebook into the real world. It ended (I think) when I found out but we are still struggling. We’re in counseling and most days I believe we will make it but it’s so hard! I write about it some on my Masterpiece blog at http://www.masterpiece-beth.com/ . I’ll be praying for the continued healing in your marriage even as I pray for my own!

  • http://www.facebook.com/crystalbabi Crystal Marie Kearney

    wow, that must have been heart breaking and gut wrenching! So glad you pulled through!

  • Felicia E.

    Because as Christians God should always come first in our life. So naturally if He is first in our life then He is the one we turn to in prayer and trust to show us how to fix things. He is the one we turn to for guidance on how to handle any situation in life.

    I can’t speak for others but for me it’s always all about God because He is the most important thing in my life. Everything I have is from him.

  • Debbie

    Sometimes I feel that way about exercising.

  • Erica

    Thank you for sharing this! The same situation has happened in my marriage, as I have been struggling on how I can move forward while constantly wondering in the back of my mind if he is wanting someone else, not trusting him, etc.

  • TNeal

    I have a facebook problem now my husband is currently deployed and I just found out an ex messaged him and they have been talking. What bothers me the most that he says she going through relationship problems. Our marriage has been rocky ever since he’s left and he keeps telling females our personal business like he’s thinking of divorcing me. It hurts so much because he has been making me feel like he wants to work on our marriage an be with his family (me& our son). I have been upset and crying all day and asked God to help me and then I found this page. I continue to pray even thought satan wants me to believe it’s over.

    Prayers Please,

    Hurt Marine Wife

  • Cecilia

    I know this post is old, but I just wanted to repeat something that our Bishop tells us. The tool doesn’t cause the sin, but it is the hands that it is in. Facebook can be used for good and it can be used for bad, obviously this is one of those cases where is can cause people to sin. God Bless!

  • Jessica

    I am facing the Facebook problem at this moment I just confronted him I came across where he was searching for someone the hardest part he first acted dum said he didn’t know who person was see I have to put alot of trust in my husband of 27 yrs because he works for the news so alot of the people on his Facebook or the LinkedIn he says there work related well back to the search so he says oh maybe it was someone I had to look up for a job I said no I search this person today not in the business so he says I don’t know I keep on him oh I think was looking to see if I was in Air Force with her ??? What that was like 21 yrs ago so u wanted to catch up first of all my Spouse lives in Ca for work for the last 2 1/2 yrs I’ve been in AZ

  • Anneimaria70

    Sis i m well pleased with ur courage n full stength in god,its true god heals our marriage n god is forever against divorce.I have also encontered such problems as this….i just cant nderstand why women r willing to go after a guy who is married n destroy their marriage, dont they have feelings n why cant they think how much it hurts someone…dont they know that one day they would be jdged for all their bad deeds!

  • Guest

    I am happy that this couple is working on saving their marriage. However, in reading the comments the husband posted on Facebook, he clearly told the other woman that he loved her and wanted to hold her in his arms. Then he told his wife that he was just trying to help the woman. There is some untruth going on there, so I am wondering exactly what “lesson” he learned when his wife caught him redhanded. The man was clearly in a state of mind to engage in an affair. It does not matter that it was on Facebook. It so easily could have been face to face as well and is the same sin as though it were face to face. Has he turned from that? Oh my goodness, so very important to be clear on what the problem really is; otherwise, it will happen again. As for the man’s family, they are not a good influence on him or his wife. Why are they involved? And why does he permit them to criticize her? Will tell you that this man sounds like he needs a lot of time spent with a male pastor and other males working with him on various issues. But at some point his accountability needs to come from within himself rather than relying on others, including his wife, to hold his feet to the fire. There is no maturity going on until he reaches that point. Unless the heart is truly turned toward God and truly desires God’s ways, these problems will recur because the heart is just not totally committed. Also, I am a little puzzled that the wife is willing to be so very public about this issue so soon after it happened. She said in the article it was just a few months ago, as of May 2012.

  • Darkness

    because god answers prayers and helps repair the damages caused by sin. I know most don’t belive in it…I never did, thought it was a bunch of crap for the longest time. But I’ve seen what he can do for your family…how to get things back on the correct path. I’m a sinner…I admit it. I cheated, regret it every day of my life…and even hate myself for it. But the lord can help get you back to peace within yourself…at least for me it has.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kristina.marchant Kristina Marchant

    I’m so sorry you experienced this.  How horrible.  What was interesting to me was that he didn’t do sexual stuff (nude photos with strangers), he had an emotional affair– a very powerful one that almost seemed infantile:  two people soothing each other like the never were as children.  I’m so happy you both are working things out and healing from this because he really hurt you and he is really hurting inside.  I was very shocked to read what he wrote this woman, again because it screams for a need to have deep emotional intimacy.  Was he given tenderness and affection as a child?  This is a deep wound he is bleeding from. And when you have forgiven him for betraying you, touch him often and kiss him soft and tenderly like you would a child.  My prayers go out to you!!  You are a strong woman!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    The enemy will stop at nothing to destroy marriages. You need to be stronger and do everything you can to stay away from the other woman as you mend things with your wife. Sin has its consequences which is why it is so important to remain faithful to God and spouse. I am praying that she will leave you alone.

  • Darkness

    I everyone. I’m right in the middle of the exact same thing….but the flip side. I’m a male 33yrs old. I had an old friend start commenting on all my photos. then she wanted to just meet for lunch, so I went along and decided to be nice. lunch turned into meeting after work for dinner, then to a outing with friends…it quickly and I do mean quickly spun out of control. Before I knew it I was txting this other woman behind my wifes back and covering it up. She used the same issues, she’s never had a man that loved her, and she could see us together, if at anytime there was issues I had with my wife I’d tell her about it as a friend, but she used that against me as ways of saying “I’d never do that to you” She had be so wrapped into her life by about 3 months she convinced me to see her divorce lawyer that she knows. After I arrived at the lawyers office it hit me like a ton of bricks…WTF was I doing? What have I become? WHY am I doing this?? I was LOST. I needed help. Then it was too late. My wife saw a text one sunday morning and it was peppered with I love you’s…I miss you…I need you here now’s. It killed her. She was on the floor in tears …I wanted to die. The next morning she posted on her facebook. What do you do when your whole life comes crashing down? I don’t want to live anymore… It HURT so BAD! But the worse was yet to come. This other woman would not leave me alone…This started back in Oct. and I’ve been working this whole year to repair what I’ve killed. I blocked her every which way I can. even at work, I’ve blocked her multiple email addresses. She opened an email account for every type of mail plan out there, hotmail, gmail,yahoo…so far I’ve blocked 7 addresses. Just this week she called at my office again and gave me all the I miss you, I want to see you, I want to kiss you. Don’t you love me?? Hearing her voice doesn’t help things. It brings back all the feelings. I’m trying my hardest to work on my marriage…Why is this woman doing this to me…??

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1423740006 Amanda Kuenzi

    Why does everything have to be about God?

  • Nancy

    I just wanted to say that I have been through this. I read your story and it was like reading exactly what happened to me almost 2 years ago. Same situation, I caught his messages to her and it was devastating. It took him a while to understand that he cheated even if there never was any physical contact with her. Like you said, you forgive but it’s hard to forget. But do not lose hope, God is good and his grace is unending. Trust is the one thing that is the most affected but if you are both working to make it work, it will be possible to gain back the trust. It does get better as the days go by. May God bless you and your marriage.

  • Kimberly

    My husband I actually use Facebook to chat during the day while he’s on lunch break. Facebook is a tool or a resource and like anything else has to be managed used properly. We both are able to log in to each other’s accounts; it keeps us honest. Facebook doesn’t destroy marriages any more than a spoon makes you fat. It is what is in the heart that will destroy a marriage and

  • Amy

    Wow this is so similar to my story, except my husband was exchanging nude photos with this girl. We both got rid of our Facebook accounts. He has admitted to being a porn/sex addict and is seeking help from a Christian counselor and our church friends. I pray every day he sticks with this, because I if this stuff happens again, I’m leaving. I can’t put my kids through that stress. I hurt so bad inside that I had a hard time just smiling with the kids. Every day gets easier. I pray for all those dealing with similar circumstances.

  • Rose

    Hi Liz,
    I’m dealing with trust issues too towards my husband. He had a problem with getting too close with females and their issues. He talked and texted a lot with them via the phone and I do not know the details of those conversations. I’m afraid if I did then I would have surely packed my bags. I almost had the last straw but because I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him, I keep forgiving him. But now I’m at the epitome of “no trust.” I guess it’s good to focus on the little things they are doing to show that we can trust them. For instance, your guy deleted his FB page and is sharing it with you now. That means you have full access now into what he does online. I guess the only thing is I hope he is not using his cell phone or some other device. But those are all things you can check out before you fully commit. I pray you’re doing well.

  • Rose

    Facebook is a tool but any actions, anywhere, stem from something already inside us. Technology as a whole has made it very easy for people to go about doing those hidden dark things within the heart but I would not blame it solely on Facebook. That was just the method used in this example of this husband’s infidelity. I have a lot of empathy and compassion for Dawn and this story hits home for me. Once trust has been broken, it is very difficult to rebuild. In my opinion, it shows that in our day and age, love is truly not enough to sustain morality, good judgment, and faithfulness.

  • Kara

    Facebook is an easier gateway for people to get ahold of others. Believe me, I would know. The same thong happened to me back in October, only it was with his ex fiancé. And he ended up doing more than just talk through Facebook. I am still very pained.

  • Somogy

    I am really happy the two of you are working on it. Do not tolerate the support of his infidelity from his family. Secular and sacred people alike know his transgression was dishonest and NEVER okay.

  • Merlin

    Wow.. this is wonderful.. I know that FB can spoil relationships. Coz i know my old school mate told me that he loved me(after hegot married and got a baby!!)and he still wanted to keep in touch and tried to talk the way (He shouldn’t do). As for me, I felt without his wife’s knowledge the kind of talk he had was wrong. So i discouraged him and though he kept insisting i said a total NO!. So he got the message and then talks friendly. I totally agree with the last few points you have stated. Its so difficult to be with relations or people who are Christians but then they talk worldly and see or take everything lightly as if nothing is wrong in any relations outside marriage!!!. I disagree. I am stil single yet i truly never want to look out for any other guy once I say I do with a guy whom God has chosen. Your article was just superb and i appreciate your husband also that he cooperated with you was ready to understand his mistake and come back and seek God in his married life. Thats just awesome. If Jesus could kneel down and write without uttering a word when the prodigal woman was stoned at but forgive her completely. If Jesus could forgive the woman at the well who had five husbands. Yes, I know He also wants us to forgive others and love them with divine love.God bless

  • Merlin

    Hi AnnieF and Kimberly, My church teaches us not to delete the account in FB and i used to wonder why. But today when i read this article and your comments I am so convinced that yes, my pastors , is worried about our spiritual life. When i found the Farmville app in FB, i was so addicted, day and night i was sit in front of my laptop and play the feeding the cows. Not much harm it caused. Yet, it was getting onto my nerve. you both are absolutely right and there are many out there who dont understand this and is very much entangled. Thanks for sharing your thougts. God bless

  • AnnieF

    I totally agree Kimberly and I closed my account as well and I haven’t missed it at all.. It was like I was delivered and felt so relieved..

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    Jess, I am sure you are not the only woman who feels this way, however, I believe that in certain situations God gives some the ability to forgive and stay to mend things. I am sure there was more to their story, but only the two of them know! I love hearing stories where a husband and wife can work through mistakes because I know how important the marriage covenant is to God.

  • Jess

    You let him off the hook to easy. I’m sorry yall went thru this but it seems like all he had to say was “I’m sorry, I was just trying to make her feel better blah blah blah”… and okay. I would have left him in a heart beat.

  • Wani

    Thank you so much for sharing such a difficult experience. People often can be careless and put themselves in compromising situations without even realizing. Praise God that you and your husband are working things through.

  • Liz

    Hi Dawn, that is exactly what im going through right now, except he was flirting with a couple girls on Facebook and planning on going out for a drink. I am engaged to this man who said he would never hurt me and that he loved me so much. I am very hurt and I don’t know if I would be able to believe him or trust him at all. I am still living with him and I want to work things out because I love him so much. but every time i see into  his eyes i feel like his thinking on those girls. I know he loves me and he is doing everything he can to prove his love, he has deleted his Facebook account and agree to share the same one with me, but i am still feel very hurt :( I admired your story and your courage for forgiving him. I hope one day I can say i believe him and that i can trust him again just like I did before.
    liz

  • Alicia Raulerson

    Unfortunately this happens all to often and even before Facebook.  My first husband was “helping” a friend and then got involved, way too involved and when I confronted them both in her bed…he left.  So sad to see women that play the sympathy card on someone else’s husband.  She told me that they didn’t mean to fall in love….BUT God is good!!! He saw me and my boys through this mess and blessed me with a wonderful husband and father to my boys.  Guard your marriages, keep the borders well protected and don’t let Satan get in anywhere….Thanks for the reminder!

  • MM

    This happened to me too.  It was devastating, and a total shock to me.  It’s inspiring to me read that you are doing well in your marriage and are working hard to repair the hurt.  I’ve had a very hard time forgiving and moving on, but I know that it can happen.  Thanks for sharing such a personal story. 

  • Guest

    I know a young couple. Whenever a girl at church goes to the husband to share issues, he directs her to his wife instead for counseling. This is wisdom. We have to set boundaries. 

  • Kelly

    Might I suggest Dawn and “Jack” read the chapters on single men, single women, married men, and married women together from this book: http://dsr.gd/J6IMVS ?  It truly helps a couple define how they should treat the opposite sex in practically every situation.  My husband and I read it together after a similar situation where, not he, but I was the one who let someone get too close via social media.  In fact we intend on using those chapters as teaching tools for helping us teach our sons and daughters how to handle opposite sex situations when they are old enough.

  • Sarah W

     My husband is a minister also. He will not do any counseling unless there is another person in the room, usually another minister. If you don’t have another minister available and your husband still wants to counsel her, you should be in the room too. If her motives are pure she will welcome your help, if not she will probably cancel the meetings. Satan will try to rob, destroy and kill at every opportunity and it’s never wrong to try to protect yourself!

  • K.Smith

    You know the scriptures actually say that wives are not to take counsel from any other man besides their husband. At first I didn’t understand this and thought it was oppressive but as I started to understand my God more and more it made more sense. As your article points out when we start seeking counsel from other men it creates a snare for the devil to use against us, and tearing apart a marriage is one of the devils greatest achievements. I don’t even let other men discuss scripture with me without my husband being present because we as ONE should consume all the same information and decide together how to process that information so that we remain on the same page spiritually. Of course I don’t mean this in the simple conversations of life, like about the weather etc, but in important things like interpreting scripture or helping others it should be done as ONE.

    I am glad that you are one enough with the Lord to have a forgiving heart. Know that God has seen your strength as a Godly woman. It is not easy to be a forgiver, to humble yourself in such a way. But the meek and humble of heart are God’s people, the ones he has a special place in his heart reserved. 

    Keep at it! There is no better marriage than one truly anchored in the Lord. It’s a whole new level of love. ((hugs))

  • http://profiles.google.com/h.j.finnegan01 Heather Finnegan

    I can totally see how this could happen. My husband and I each have our own account, and we don’t share passwords. I don’t read texts on his phone, or his email. It takes a LOT of trust and prayer! And i struggle with this. He has a female duet partner (he is a musician) and while she is a happily married friend of both of ours I struggle with that too.  Thankfully she doesn’t have a facebook account. He thinks I am nuts when I voice concerns, I think he thinks like your husband that he is strong enough and they are both strong Christians, but I know that NONE of us are strong enough. The devil works harder in Christian marriages to destroy us. I am so glad that God was able to heal your marriage, I am sorry about your husband’s family. An affair doesn’t have to be physical. We all need to be on guard and have boundaries with members of the opposite sex. Thank you for your honesty!

  • Anna

    I think men truly do not understand women. And this story is not an isolated case, and it isn’t about facebook or social media. Though I think you are open to more people on facebook and social media. I had an old friend from High School start sending me chat messages on facebook, HE was someone I was quite close to, but he had cut me off when he got married. Now he was sending me messages telling me how I was the first women he ever loved. First of all, that made me angry because he never said that when we were friends. Second, it made me angry because I am happily married, he is married, why are you talking like this right now? He told me that he could not chat with me when his wife was home, and I put my foot down, if you don’t want her to know what you are writing to me, then you shouldn’t be writing me at all. And the  messages stopped. I was thankful because I am friends with his wife also, and she is such a beautiful person and it wasn’t fair for him to be saying the things he was saying…. my heart was burdened for her. 

  • Cindy Bryson

    I REALLY enjoyed reading your article, and I am sorry you had to go through this, but I believe you are helping others by sharing your experience. I have a question. My husband is a minister. If he has a lady come to him for advice on her marriage, etc etc…how should we handle this? I think he should have me with him when he counsels because I am afraid of the same thing happening. He says he would NEVER cheat on me, however I am not so naive that Satan is laying in wait to pounce on a solid marriage.  I have mentioned to my husband MANY times when I do not feel exactly right about someone…he has no idea what I am talking about but I told him I just didn’t “feel” right about  person….every time I have said those words…the person turns out to be ….how do I say this? less than desireable. There really is something to a woman’s intuition.

  • Jenifer

    I have a love hate relationship with Facebook as well.  It can be so good.  I love the updates and pictures from family and friends that are far away.  I love being able to stay connected to church family from Sunday to Sunday.  I love the encouraging Scriptures, songs and posts I see.  I love Facebook.   But I hate that I have seen more than one marriage crumble because of Facebook.  I hate that it is so easy for people to connect with someone other than their mate and cheat, even if only emotionally.  It breaks my heart.  No, Facebook is not to blame anymore than a pencil is to blame for my misspellings.  But Facebook does make it easy for people.

    I agree that our spouse needs to have our log in information and access to our account 24/7.  Though my husband rarely gets on, he knows exactly how to get on to my account and knows that I welcome him to do so.  But even so, I must be careful.  I recently deleted about ten people from my account that I really had no business having on there.  Other bloggers, but bloggers that were men that my husband didn’t know.  They had to go.  Men I had known before knowing my husband.  They were friends from my youth group, but my husband didn’t know them.  They had to go.  I also refuse to message or chat with another man.  It is too easy to be sucked in and I will not let it happen.  Thank you for your transparency and encouragement.

    Jenifer
    jenifermetzger.org

  • http://simplyhelpinghim.blogspot.com/ Joeshelpmeet

    It is so easy to get pulled into things on Facebook, and even real life. You want to be there for people, but if you’re not careful it can and will go to far. Thank you for the warning and reminder. Stoppin by via Women Living Well :) 
    http://simplyhelpinghim.blogspot.com/

  • http://ministrytomotherhood.com/ From Ministry to Motherhood

    This broke my heart.  How easily things like this can happen nowadays even with full disclosure regarding passwords.  We need to remember how important our real relationships are and take great care to protect them.  I’m glad you are healing and that things are coming together but I just keep thinking about the pain you must be experiencing.  I pray that you’ll find peace and that things will get better as time passes.  Blessings,  Becky 

  • http://www.prudentiwsdom.com Dana

    OK when I read this and commented the first time I was reading from my phone.Well I obviously don’t have the thing synced right with my accounts because I was not able to come right back to it (I am trying to share) So what do I do, obviously I Googled “Facebook Ruined My Marriage” thinking I would come around to it but instead I was BLOWN away, seriously it’s like an epidemic!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I think it can happen to anyone who is vulnerable to that type of temptation.  The enemy know our weaknesses and goes after them. 

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I think it is important to communicate with our spouse the boundaries with other sexes!  We need to protect ourselves from the threat of temptations!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     Glad to hear God saved your marriage!!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     Wow Tonya sorry that happened to you.  So glad things were restored in your marriage!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     I agree Dana!  Social media is not to blame, but we do need to have boundaries with it!  Like anything else!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     I agree! We must be careful what we do with our time and lives!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     That is so awesome that you found the courage to help other marriages!  That is exactly what happened with my marriage!  God reclaimed our hardship for good! That is how Unveiled Wife started! God Bless you!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     You are so right! The enemy does prowl seeking to devour!  I am glad that you were able to find reconciliation by God’s grace!  Praying for your marriage and for continued healing!

  • Megan E.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! It takes a lot of courage. My husband and I went through a similar situation two years ago, but it was in person, not on Facebook. My husband had a co-worker who was having a hard time in her marriage, was not a Christian, and somehow began sharing with my husband. That turned into an affair and two month separation. Thankfully, God restored our marriage, but it has taken a lot of time! I just shared our story on my blog this week. The Enemy prowls around looking for those he can devour. When he sees the slightest crack in the soul of a Christian, he will go into overdrive to break them. I am so thankful that you were able to catch it in time. God is good!

    Megan @ wwwsunshinethroughthewindows.blogspot.com

  • http://jessicabates.blogspot.com/ Jessie Bates

    I’ve been through this in my marriage too. It got worse and worse and we almost divorced twice. God has used this in our lives to heal us and now we strive to help other married couples to see the danger signs. It is so easy for all of us to fall prey to this kind of sin especially since most people don’t even see it as a problem. It will continue to get better especially since you and your husband are seeking the Lord and His guidance and strength will help your marriage to become stronger than you have ever imagined.

  • Kimberly Munson

    While I haven’t had anything similar to this happen, I was growing to believe that Facebook was actually destroying my relationship with God, in some ways.  Facebook had become an idol of sorts with me spending too much time focusing on reading about other people’s lives that I was forgetting to live my own.  I canceled my Facebook account in January and I couldn’t be happier.

  • http://www.prudentiwsdom.com Dana

    I had a similar situation with Myspace many years ago, yet it was more intensed and my hubs family was a lot uglier. However I agree with Thaisdelarose, it isn’t social media itself that is to blame. Social media is only one of the many tools that the devil uses as a window of opportunity to hinder our relationship with God. So glad your story has a happy ending, there are many of the same stories that dont.

  • http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

    I have been in a similar situation. I don’t mean to stir the pot, but if you’re husband didn’t believe he was doing anything wrong, why did he delete conversations? This are issues that are important to deal with.

    I am so glad your marriage is healing. Love covers a multitude of sins, no? Praise God for his restoration. (And thank you for sharing your story. Temptation needs only an invitation).

  • CMama

    Thank you so much for sharing. Praying for your marriage.

  • Shelia

    Thank you for sharing on this very private, difficult issue. May God Bless you and your family. Romans 8:28

  • Tonya

    Similar thing happened to me on phone and e-mail and then text.  It put a huge wall into our marriage.  That was resolved, but Satan wasn’t done yet….he had an old friend find ME on Facebook and he was very inappropriate and then hacked my page saying TERRIBLE things about my husband.  My husband was very hurt and his family…UGH!  That took a lot of convincing that it wasn’t me and I closed my account PRONTO.

  • crystalm

    i went through a similar situation a few years ago, but not on facebook. it started on the phone with my husband and a friend who was having marital issues. not sure how far it gone past the texting and calls but those enough were pretty strong. i forgive him but still hurt once in awhile when i think about it, but i pray for it to go away. the other couple divorced. it has been a few years now, he does watch helping women and listening to their sappy stories cause he knows it is easy to get wrapped up in it too.

  • http://obedientheart.blogspot.com/ A picture of God’s grace

    Thank you for writing this.  The same thing actually happened to me, but I didn’t find out til it was almost too late.  My husband was planning on leaving me for the other woman (who was a close family friend of his family and thankfully lived several states away).  There is a false sense of security with Facebook that we don’t see sometimes until it is too late.  Thankfully, God saved my marriage, renewed my husband’s heart and has strengthened our marriage because of it.  I am still healing and still recovering from the devastation that came from that few months of terrifying pain.  But we are examples of God’s redemption and mercy.

  • Brightman73

    It’s been my experience only the pretty girls get hit on.  I’ve been married 8 years and I’ve *never* been approached my any man – married or single.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rebecca-Rodgers-Smith/1118346739 Rebecca Rodgers Smith

    Amazing article. Sorry that that happened but I am glad you were both able to move past it and to be more cautious.

  • Betygauna

    Thank you for sharing your experience and i have the same love and hate problem withthe facebook…..love to be in contact with my family in other town,with friends in other country but i feel your same situation cold hapen in my marriage if we are not strong enough . It is excelent that of having just one shared account. God bless you.

  • Thaisdelarosa

    Well i don’t really think the problem was Facebook, he could have talk to her over the phone or meeting her somewhere… I believe our problems are all in our hearts and that is called human nature. There are temptations everywhere and as Christian we can never think everything will be always all right. We need always to pray for our husband and ask God for help all the time. This can happen even when they go to school to pick up children…so I think prayer is the key no self-confidence. The only one we can trust unconditionally is God and I am very glad you got together with your husband and I believe prayer time together we make a huge difference in your lives as well as it has been in mine. Thank you for sharing your story this is a great eye opener to all of us..we definitely need to pray more for our husband and our marriage. 

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

     Crystal, thanks for sharing about Time Warp Wife’s post similar to this topic! Here is the link for anyone who wants to check it out http://www.time-warp-wife.blogspot.com/2012/05/5-ways-to-resist-temptation.html

  • http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal @ Serving Joyfully

    Wow, I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, but glad that the Holy Spirit spoke to you before it went “too far” because it definitely looks bad, to say that he loves her, wants to hold her, and she is his everything?  Definitely crossing a line and I’m sorry that his family is being the way they are about it!  Time Warp Wife just posted a similar topic today about guarding our hearts from temptation.  BLessings to you and your family!

     

  • keltrinswife

    Thank you for sharing. Love what you said about forgiveness–doing it w/out bringing it up over and over again. My prayer for you is that your marriage does get better and stronger. Be blessed :)

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