Writen by: Unveiled Wife On June 28, 2012

One Wife’s Advice For Stepmoms

One Wifes Advice For Stepmoms parenting guest articles Unveiled Wife

photo credit: lrargerich

I have received many inquiries from wives interested in advice for stepmoms.  I realize that there are many wives who get married and immediately step into their role as a mom and encounter how that transition can be challenging at times.  I am so excited that Marsha, our guest blogger today, was willing to open up about her experience in stepparenting, as well as offering a few encouraging tips for stepmoms.  If you have any additional tips for stepmoms, please leave them in the comments below… or consider submitting your own article on the topic! (Details for submitting guest posts can be found through the link at the bottom of this page)

Marsha writes:

Being a Mother is one of the most difficult jobs you will ever have.  Being a stepmother… well, let’s just say at times it can be even more difficult than being a mother.  Now I cannot speak for every stepmother, I can only tell you about my journey as a stepmom.  A rocky road filled with jewels.

I was 26 years old when I married the man of my dreams. My husband Bruce had been married before when he was young and he had 2 boys ages 3 and 5 when we tied the knot. I had known my husband and his boys for a year before we got married, and I loved his boys like I love chocolate. And believe me, I love chocolate!! They were adorable, sweet, kind and outgoing. I thought we would be the perfect little family!

At the time we were married, my stepsons lived with us for every other week.  It was a difficult transition for me to go from a woman who was dating, engaged, and then expected to be a mom figure for half of the year!  My happy family image started to disappear when I realized raising kids was a lot harder than I thought it was, especially when they are not your biological kids!

One Wifes Advice For Stepmoms parenting guest articles Unveiled WifeThroughout the almost 8 years Bruce and I have been married, we have had my stepsons 80% of the year for about 5 of those years.  I, as the stepmom had become “the mother figure.”  Not literally of course, but I took on most of the mom responsibilities since they lived with me.

There are many kinds of stepmoms. One’s who are the primary mom, ones who are the every other weekend stepmom, and one’s who are not involved in their stepchildren’s lives by their choice.

At this current time, my stepson’s mom has decided she wants to be the Mom again. And gracefully I have to step back.

How do I feel about that?

Incredible sadness, anger, betrayal, and a great sense of loss of my identity. The law is clear though. Step-parents have no legal rights, even if they are the ones helping with homework, cooking their favorite meals, and driving them to their friend’s house and going to school meetings.

Here is my humble advice for stepmoms:

  • PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the most important thing you can do for your family.  Ask God to give you a mother’s love for those children.
  • Let your husband communicate with his ex-wife. Trust me, no good will come from a stepmom telling the biological mom what is going on with her children or upcoming decisions to be made. It causes the “mama bear” to come out from the biological mom and she will feel angry and threatened.
  • Just love those step children as much as you can! Kids never asked that their parents get divorced, and they certainly didn’t ask for another parental figure in their lives. As a step parent, you will get grief from the kids. You will get the attitude from them that they don’t have to listen to you. They will even at times say they hate you. Just love them through it, as God loves all of us. It’s difficult, but if you keep your eyes on God, He will give you the strength!

One Wifes Advice For Stepmoms parenting guest articles Unveiled WifeGood luck to you my fellow stepmoms!  

It’s a beautiful job to be entrusted to care for your husband’s children.  And even when it feels like you are failing day by day, pick yourself up and start fresh.

 

 

Someday hopefully your stepchildren will say “Thanks for helping raise me. I truly love you.”  And always remember, your reward is in Heaven waiting for you…

- Marsha Neu

If you are interested in submitting an article to guest blog for Unveiled Wife please check out the details HERE!

In Guest Articles, Parenting

Unveiled Wife

Posts Website Twitter Facebook Google+

My name is Jennifer and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a wife, unveiled, uncovered and wide open, to purge my heart of the pain I have encountered AND to encourage other women in the world who are, have been, or will soon be wives... READ MY STORY HERE

Join The Discussion, Leave A Comment Below!

  • sug627

    It’s so nice to hear that there is other step moms that are going thru some of the things I am going thru. In your blog and in your comments. I am a step mom to two great kids (6 and 8). Their mom is legally not allowed to be in their lives right now. I’m young and went from being a girlfriend, to a weekend mom, to a full time mom. It’s been hard and scary. Your blog just made my day!

    Thank you!

  • Melissa

    My 2 girls have a stepmom who they live with b/c they live with their dad and me and her are best friends!!!! She calls to check on me and sometimes we talk for hours about nothing pertaining to the kids

  • Young Step-mommy

    Thank you for the article! I would also suggest: “The Smart Stepmom” by Deal and Petherbridge. It sits at my bedside alongside my Bible! It has been such a wonderful resource over the past year. I found it a couple of months after my husband and I were married and I became instant step-mommy and wife at the ripe age of 22! (still don’t know what I was thinking.. ) Even though I didn’t have age as an advantage, this book helped me gain some insight and wisdom not only in my role as a mother-figure but also in my marriage. Once again, thank you for the pearls of wisdom in your article. Bookmarking now :)

  • Smile

    I am in exactly the same boat. Everything you said is my life. Please God give us strength and perseverance.

  • Smile

    Wow, this is so helpful. I am a stepmom and it can be tough. Raising someone else’s children is sometimes a thankless job. Other times, it’s pure joy. My husband is not much of a disciplinarian and I am a teacher, thus my career hinges on disciplining children. Talk about a vast difference in styles. It’s hard to wait on your husband to set boundaries when it’s not his cup of tea. He allows things I would never allow and he says things I would never say. I know I need to be in prayer about this everyday. Thanks for your article.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cindyalewine Cindy Barrington Alewine

    I’ve been a stepmother for 2 years. It hasn’t been easy. I used to look forward to the weekends. Now, I can’t wait for Mondays. I’m praying and believing (and researching) and I believe the Lord is at work in our family. I know it will all come together, eventually. I hope…

  • Emme

    I am so thrilled to see a story about a stepmother’s perspective! As a Christian I have found there are very few women and ministries who are willing to speak out about the hardships of being in a blended family, and particularly of being a stepmother. It is so vital for stepmothers to have support, because these situations are so difficult. My husband had two sons when we were married (ages 4 and 2), and I also had two children of my own (ages 6 and 2). Since then we have gone on to have three beautiful daughters of our own, but the situation with his ex-wife has been a constant difficulty for us anytime we try to see his sons. I have learned to seek God’s face more and more as the battles grow worse and worse, and I thank God to find support when I come across it. Thank you for writing this and sharing your journey! May God continue to bless your family :)

  • Amber

    I am so very happy u shared this. As I hav 2 daughters of my own, but I also hav 5 step children. 3 girls 2 boys. I can use any input that u wish to share. Thank you

  • Withinsight

    I too have been a stepmom for 11yrs now…it is has been the hardest road travelled. I have a 23yr that i had problems( as a single parent) with but i always knew ‘he was mine’ and we would always love eachother – no matter what, when or why. Step parenting, i thought would be just an extension of that type of relationship. It has been the end of my marriage – well part of it anyways. i should have seen the BIG RED FLAgs because on the morning of our first day married – going to watch his son play football was the most important thing. Let me just say that i do agree, that step parenting has no rights and no glory… over the years, i was exlcuded more and more from my marriage and his kids got more and more important in his life – no matter how many times i was the chauffeur, cook and laundrymat… telling me that i didnt deserve to be recognized on Mother’s Day or not invited to attend grade8 graduation told me taht i no longer held a position in my husbands heart and being told that ‘he chooses his kids over me’ was the final knife in my heart, spirit and soul. Do not get me wrong… the kids can be great kids and thank God they have not been outright defiant -yet, but seeing that they would side against me, not forgive my mistakes and punish me in action breaks my heart for them ( shows their true character)… as young adults and their future spouses and families. I am so very sad for those children and i do mourn for the opportunity to ‘get it right’ with them. I will continue to pray for their hearts to soften, the veil to lift and the holy spirit to take hold of their heart…. for their futures.

  • Marsha Neu

    Thank you!!!!! And good luck to you also!

  • Proud Momma in Texas

    This is refreshing to read, even though I know there are a billion other step-moms out there, sometimes the issues faced can make you feel alone. Our boys, well my husband’s boys, have a mother that has chosen to not be a part of their lives. As sad as that is and so hard for me to understand, I am greatful to be a part of theirs and them a part of mine. Unfortunately there is a lot of struggle involved for them and me. But I know it will all be worth it once they are adults. :) They live with us 100% of the time and I was 25 when I met my husband and rhe transition to “instant Mom,” although difficult like you said is also rewarding. But I often feel as you said, that I am failing and you are so right, just pray and take it day by day. I love my boys and my husband so much, and thank you for your support to all of us out there and good luck to you and the changes taking place in your life :)

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”