Writen by: Unveiled Wife On September 30, 2012

Revive Your Sex Life In Marriage

This series began with Revive Your Prayers In Marriage, then we encouraged wives to Revive Your AttitudeRevive Your Friendship, and Revive Your Praise… now we are wrapping up with this post Revive Your Sex Life In Marriage!

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Sex and Intimacy in marriage have always been a struggle for me.  I feel inadequate trying to inspire others in this area when it has been such a sensitive area in my own marriage, yet I have a story… one that I hope will at least encourage those of you who for some reason struggle in this area of marriage. My message to you is that you are not alone!  

The pain that is sometimes encountered during sexual intimacy, whether it is emotional pain or physical pain, can affect the marriage relationship in great ways.  I have experienced hardships that stir because of lack of intimacy and my heart is heavy for others who endure them. Unveiled Wife was created because of my experience, as I felt the urge to share a platform for wives to talk about these hardships in marriage in hopes of building a community of encouragement where we can encounter healing!

Please watch the video below to hear a glimpse of my testimony.

For a bit more about my testimony you can check out my bio on my about page.

There are many reasons why a couple’s sex life can be a struggle.  Mine was due to a physical pain I experienced during intercourse.  Although I went through seasons of feeling like an inadequate wife, depression, loneliness and even contemplated divorce… God gave me hope to try and try again to have sex with my husband.  We have prayed so much about this one area of our marriage.

A great resource that helped me better understand sex in marriage, including God’s great design of male and female sexual needs, and the importance of sex and intimacy in marriage was Dr. Juli Slattery’s No More Headaches.  I highly recommend reading this!

Instead of giving up, we made small advances to create an atmosphere of intimacy, even if the end result wasn’t intercourse.  My husband and I would spend time just being vulnerable in each other’s company.  So I encourage you to do the same!  Do not stress out about the anticipation of sex, rather find ways to just bless each other in ways that work.

This weeks challenge is to revive your sex life in marriage through creating an atmosphere of intimacy and vulnerability.

There are many ways you can do this, have courage and do something that you and your husband don’t usually do.  For some it might be as simple as lighting candles to set the mood, for others it could be offering a back massage.  I have found that talking to my husband about the particulars of our struggle often fed my hope to try something new in our relationship.

Also, I know initiating can be very difficult for some of you, but have courage my friend!  

“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

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**Chime In:

Have you experienced an intimacy struggle in your marriage?

What are some other reasons why people may struggle with sexual intimacy?

What are more ways couples can revive their sex life?

Please share it with us in the comment section!
If you are a blogger- write a little about how this is going – grab this button, then link-up below!

Revive Your Praise In Marriage   encouragements for wives    words of affirmation Revive Your Marriage praise in marriage    Unveiled Wife

Be sure to visit my friends Courtney, Darlene, and Sheila as they also sharing encouraging messages on Sex and Intimacy in Marriage!

      Revive Your Praise In Marriage   encouragements for wives    words of affirmation Revive Your Marriage praise in marriage    Unveiled Wife      Revive Your Praise In Marriage   encouragements for wives    words of affirmation Revive Your Marriage praise in marriage    Unveiled Wife         Revive Your Praise In Marriage   encouragements for wives    words of affirmation Revive Your Marriage praise in marriage    Unveiled Wife


Unveiled Wife

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My name is Jennifer and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a wife, unveiled, uncovered and wide open, to purge my heart of the pain I have encountered AND to encourage other women in the world who are, have been, or will soon be wives... READ MY STORY HERE

Join The Discussion, Leave A Comment Below!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    Lord, I pray for this couple and ask that you would transform their marriage! May you please reconcile them and help them rebuild trust. Amen!

  • Carolyn

    Nikki-i feel your pain. I’m overweight as well. My husband has blamed my weight on some of our issues. I’m currently working on getting in shape. It’s not easy. I’m praying for you as well.

  • Carolyn

    I am experiencing issues in my marriage as well. Intimacy is aff effected because my husband chose to start texting/flirting with a Co worker. It turned into them meeting, him lying to me several times and now me with no trust. He doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong, I feel betrayed. Please pray for us.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am praying for you now!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so sorry you are experiencing this in your marriage. Have you considered attending a marriage retreat where these issues might be talked about more easily like a Weekend to Remember through family life? Or talking to a close friend about it? I encouraged you to keep praying over your intimacy in faith that God will transform it!!

  • Nancy F.

    Angela- You are not alone with this. I, too am going through the same thing with my husband. It has been a long 4 years. There has been soooo many nights where I have cried myself to sleep and feel like a fool for trying again to see if my husband is interested in me. All I can advice you is not to give up.
    What I have come to realized is that it’s more mental than anything. At least for my husband it is. We are still working through this but know its not you.
    As long as you both are willing to work at this there is hope. A lot of talking and working through this helps as well. I wish you and your husband nothing but the best. I will add you to my prayers :)

  • Nikki P.

    My issues are so different. I am overweight and know that my husband isn’t attracted to me. He also prefers foreplay one sidedly which adds to my insecurity. In my own marriage I feel used. Don’t get me wrong his loving sweet and a great godly man but when it comes to sex it’s all about him. I have tried and tried talking to him about it but nothing changes. We have been married over a year and have had sex less than 10 times including the honeymoon. I dread it. My pastor is an older i and would feel so uncomfortable talking about this. I feel trapped. I know I sound selfish but I don’t know what to do… I am not mad at god but definitely confused. The same questions you asked yourself Jennifer, if I did everything “right” why is this happening. I did have sex prior to becoming Christian I repented accept forgiveness and lived a life dedicated to him before marriage but I feel constantly condemned bc I feel like this is fruit of my sin.

  • Angela Marie Kembel

    I cry myself to sleep most nights because he’s uninterested in sex 6 nights out of 7, or even anything I would classify as intimacy.

    I’ve begged him to read Christian books on sex with me at night, and books like “His Needs, Her Needs,” but he’s rarely interested.

    We each have a past, and have disclosed it. I have more past sexually than he, yet a much larger drive than he. I don’t know what to do.

    A couple of weeks ago, I found out that he had been texting an ex, telling her she looked hot. Although nothing else has happened, I feel like the tiny microscopic bit of drive or romance he could have was misdirected to her.
    I feel ugly and fat and lost and depressed. I’m finding myself missing past relationships simply for their sexual component.

    I’m desperate.

  • Taylor

    Diana,
    I had the exact same problem as you and I had never felt so alone! I finally let my doctor put me under and come to find out, my vaginal opening was not big enough, which was also creating Vaginismus. I had to have a surgery to make my opening wider, but ever since everything for me has been fine.
    Good luck to you, you will get this situation figured out.
    I’m sending prayers your way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/BLinKY1030 Robyn Quinn

    My marriage is not even a year old :(….things aren’t too bad, but we aren’t having sex as much as I would like and he doesn’t think its that big of a deal. I’m like really? We used to have sex all of the time at first. Now it’s like once every few weeks. My sex drive is crazy and he is a one minute man which makes things even worse. I have prayed, and recently I feel God was telling me to initiate because he usually has a difficult time saying no if I begin or if I surprise him in a different way. Yet, I am not fully pleased because he’s done right away, and I think this is another reason he doesn’t want to have sex….he doesn’t feel like returning the favor of the orgasm because it just takes too much work for me to release….I understand I do….but it still isn’t fair. What do I have to do or what does he have to do so I feel relaxed enough to orgasm?

  • http://www.facebook.com/Diana2011 Diana Kroodsma

    I too was a virgin when I got married and anticipated having sex for the first time on our honeymoon. But nothing happened. It was physically painful. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working whenever we tried. It just hurt and we’d have to stop. To me, everyone seemed to think it was just so easy to do. All my friends seemed to be getting married and having kids. Well, I am still struggling with this issue. I’ve been to the doctor who told me I had vaginismus after she tried to do a pelvic exam on me. I wanted to cry because it was so dreadfully painful during the exam! I’d never had a pap done before. She sent me to some other doctor so she wouldn’t have to deal with me. (Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the the pelvic muscles. There is an entire website dedicated to this issue.) The other doctor I saw didn’t seem to believe I could possibly have this. So he did an exam- much gentler, but still awful to endure. He said he wanted to do an exam with me under sedation and see if there is a transverse vaginal septum and fix it. I am still unsure of what to do. There is nothing really online about this issue. I would love to be put under for the exam, as I would not feel the pain, but surgery sounds utterly terrifying. Also, what if this doesn’t fix problem? I haven’t told anyone, except my husband, of course. It is so embarrassing and painful to talk about. I have the pre-op tomorrow and I am extremely scared! Thankfully I have a very supportive husband, and we’re praying that things will work out.

  • KR

    Your testimony is so motivating. I appreciate you sharing your issues. As I was meditating tonight my heart was so heavy because of intimacy issues in my marriage. Listening to your testimony gives me hope. Thank you.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I just encourage you to keep trying! Keep praying about it and initiate when you can! Intimacy is so total to marriage!

  • MJ

    i really appreciate this video as well. This is a huge struggle in my marriage. I have severe endometriosis and intercourse has been extremely painful. My husband has been very patient but at the same time we have grown farther apart in all areas. At the age of 24 I was put into pseudomenopause for 6mo via a series of shot. I just finished these on Oct. 1. While the pain is still present at times it is not nearly as sever and not always there but I find it extremely difficult to get in the mood or initiate anything. It has gotten to the point where we had to do without it for so long that we are used to it but miserable. Time is another huge issue. We only have 1 day off a week together and I am usually up studying very late and he leaves really early for work. I just don’t know how to enjoy sex now since it was so miserable for so long.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    Thank you so much for sharing and being so open! It is so good to hear God has brought you through healing in this area!

  • kfield2

    I have experienced struggles with intimacy in sex with my husband from day 1, I mean, of course, the honeymoon night, Both of us had high expectations as both of us were virgins. What I didn’t expect was that when I went back after the reception to change into my going away clothes was that I would break down crying for no apparent reason. My aunt, doing some extra photography as a gift, was heard to say, “Wow, she really is a virgin”. That summed everything up perfectly. I had read all of the Christian books about how wonderful it would be and that I and my husband had saved ourselves for each other and that we were “owed” this wonderful experience and aspect of our lives because of our perseverance in our lives because we had been “so good”. It didn’t go that way. Once I realized I was dressing to leave with him and that’d be the end of the comfort of women. I was terrified. It was like I entered that little room where I changed clothes, now a married woman, That I fell apart. Up until then I couldn’t wait to be with him. We were both believers and had waited on purpose for each other but when the rubber hit the road, pardon the pun, I was terrified. It tool years to figure this out but that’s a long story. Here’s what we did first instead of just sitting in the pool of our frustration. We went to our pastor and explained the problem. Innocent as I was, I gave what I thought were the physiological barriers and wanted for both of us to be examined by physicians to make sure that we were able, physiologically, to have sex. I had in my mind that he was too large and I too small to make it work or whatever, so our church helped us out with the medical bills to prove or disapprove these theories. Nope, that wasn’t the solution. Giggle, giggle. 10 years later, when we were in seminary, headed to the mission field of China, specifically, we ended up with the same pastor down in Orlando. The seminary we went to, with my husband as the primary student to get his MA in Biblical Studies, to meet our missions agencies requirement before we would be allowed to start raising support, our missions mentor, wiggled out of me a story that I had been working for years to hide. I had been molested by my father, he called it sexual abuse, and I had to admit that or I couldn’t begin the healing process that God had for me. I found a guy in our church who was also attending our seminary but was getting his masters in Counseling so he took me on as a practice client. That was a really difficult time for me, and as a result, my husband. But, God did allow me to see into the barriers that I had learned to set up and show me how to begin breaking them down. To this day, that start was painful but absolutely the beginning of a healthier sex life. I have later seen another counselor in recent years through today who has furthered the process for us and unearthed a few more coping mechanisms that we’ve both put into place so we can shed those things that keep us apart, all beginning from not only my injuries as sexual abuse, but from other injuries in both of our youths. I think any marriage that is having struggles like any of these mentioned, if appropriate, go to your pastor before blaming yourself, and consider going to a physician, both of you, to get checked out. Hopefully you didn’t that premarriage but a second go-round will not hurt. Then find out if there are spiritual of emotional issues that have been left unaccounted for. Don’t go one with this pain. If I could have short cutted the process by 10 years, I so would have. But, it was apparently God’s timing that it happen as it did. There is healing because we have a loving and compassionate Father. Don’t think it all has to be upon your shoulders. I didn’t find compassionate women in my setting, so I did the next best thing. Thank you, Jennifer, for opening up this topic that I feel has left many a marriage in frustration and unending pain because there was no place to go to to find other believing women and explain that all isn’t going to go rosy just because you “saved yourself” for your mate or because you are both Christians so how can this area go wrong? I’m still working through the detritus of the thoughts that the Evil one managed to convince me of during those 10 years and the struggles to normalize since, but we are much less fearful these days about sexual intimacy and have had much success in recovery.

  • Cindy

    I have always struggled with intimacy because of being molested as a child. I don’t like allowing myself to be vulnerable and so I shut down and it definitely has affected my marriage. I pray for God to give me the courage to allow myself to be open and trusting toward my husband.

    Thank you for being open and taking the time to allow God to speak through you.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so glad you found UW Patty! Thank you for sharing and know that I am praying for you both right now!

  • Patty

    Thank you for this series. I am not sure how I came across your blog, but probably during my search for help during a time of struggles. While bitterness, anger and hurt feelings overwhelmed my heart, the special prayers I lifted for our relationship has turned things around. We’re in our 50s and the challenges are different now than they ever have been. But asking God for guidance (instead of harboring ill feelings and distance magnified by The Evil One). It’s amazing how my heart has changed, even though the challenges are still there! Thank you from wherever you came :) when you did! God bless you and yours!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so glad you found the series! I wish you the best as you fulfill each challenge!

  • Amanda H.

     Love this video, love how open you are and the way you express yourself. I have not been here throughout the whole 5 weeks, I just joined in during week 4. I have really enjoyed your videos and the other ladies posts on these topics as well. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have struggled with many things throughout that time but have overcome everything with the help from God and because of the love we have for each other. I really look forward to going back and accepting the challenges throughout this 5 week series. Thank you and God Bless!!

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