Why Do Spouses Fight?

There is no such thing as a “perfect marriage!”  Why?  Because there is sin in the world, and marriage involves two sinners.  Although marriage may never be perfect, our goal should always be  1 Peter 1:15

“But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”

We are called to be holy as God Himself is holy.  However, as we persevere to be holy, we may run into a few residual affects of our sin, one of those being selfishness.

How many of you fight with your spouse?

I know I do!

James 4:1 asks,

“What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something, but you don’t get it.”

Selfishness!

There is no other way to describe what James is talking about.
Our selfish desires stir within us and cause us to fight with our spouse.  There may be something tangible, or maybe a specific word spoken, or an act to be done, that WE WANT… and when our spouse does not comply… we fight.

James continues in verse 2:

“You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.”

God desires that we go to Him and ask for things, however, He is also aware of our motives.  Make sure that you evaluate your motives the next time you find yourself arguing with your spouse.

James further explains how we need to keep ourselves from fighting in verses 7:

“Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and He will come near to you.”

And verse 10,

“Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up.”

Our motives are the motivations behind our actions.  God is watching to see if our motives are pure or for selfish gain.  To be sure we do not harbor selfish motives, we must go to the Lord in prayer and evaluate ourselves.  The more we draw near to God and understand His ways, God will bring us through the process of sanctification, resulting in holiness.  We also need to make sure that we are resisting the devil.

If your desire is to not fight in marriage… stop being selfish!  If your spouse is trying to fight because of selfishness, bring your requests to the Lord in faith that He will help your spouse to understand!

February 23, 2012
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Prayer Of The Day – Cheerfulness In Marriage

Dear Lord,

Thank you for your awesome provision.  Thank you for my husband who fears you and follows you.  Thank you for the growth we have encountered together, and thank you for giving us such good gifts.  You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords and you are worthy of my praise!  May your Holy Spirit anoint my husband and me.  May you use us to reach out and share your love with each other and others!  I pray that we would experience an unfathomable joy and genuine cheerfulness in our marriage.  I pray that our relationship is a beautiful depiction of you!  Thank you Lord for the grace you have extended to me, and teaching me how to extend that same grace to my husband!  I pray that we can continue to grow together in you! AMEN!

February 22, 2012
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Prayer Of The Day – Reconciliation Between A Husband & Wife

Dear Heavenly Father,

My heart is in anguish knowing that some husbands and wives are ending their marriage in divorce.  The separation of two things you have brought together is a devastating experience.  May your Holy Spirit consume the hearts of those who are facing divorce and fill them with peace and wisdom.  Lead them to make decisions according to your will.  Help them to put aside selfish ways, hurts, and pains.  May their love for each other be restored and renewed.  May they experience the awesome power of reconciliation and true forgiveness.  May this just be a piece of their testimony, which retelling glorifies you!  May you give hope to husbands and wives who are crushed in spirit, may your power be exercised in their marriage, and may your will be done in Jesus Name AMEN!

February 16, 2012
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Free Gift Ideas For V-Day Or Any Day

Valentines Day is just around the corner!  Do not be stressed out mentally or financially when thinking of a gift for your husband.  Most often when we think of gifts, we think of tangible objects with a price tag.  But if you are like me… you are interested in FREE gifts:)  Below is a list of free gifts you could give to your husband.  They only requirement they take is your time and energy!

- Put on some music and turn the lights down and give your man a relaxing back massage.

- Offer your husband a foot massage using lotion or coconut oil.

- Initiate intimacy, maybe even spicing things up by wearing something flattering or trying something new.

- Write a love letter straight from your heart or gift a love journal where you share your most favorite memories with your husband.

- Ditch the general Hallmark cards and make one hand-made!

- Wake up early and serve breakfast in bed, including his favorite breakfast foods.

- Do things around the house your husband is usually expected to do.

- Light a few candles and put on his favorite song and slow dance to it.

- Take a bubble bath together and share desires you have for the future.

- Decoratively list 100 things you love about him.

- Give your husband a free pass – Don’t ask him for help for week, give him space, he will surely enjoy it!

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Here are just a few ideas, but I know there are many more!  Please share any you may have in the comments for others to see Free Gift Ideas For V Day Or Any Day sex intimacy in marriage gift ideas for my husband spouse sex love Inspiration Encouragement Christian Wife Christian Husband Christian Community Unveiled Wife

Also, here is a link to a few more romantic gift ideas and date night ideas ~> Lovingyou.com

February 12, 2012
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Victoria Secret Model Standing Up To Keep Marriage Sacred

“Model Kylie Bisutti, 21, has decided to leave Victoria’s Secret because it clashes with her Christian beliefs.” – ABC News

Although Kylie desired to be a Victoria Secret angel which led to reaching her goal in 2009, she recently revealed publicly that the Lord convicted her heart on the matter.  As her faith grew in God, she decided to refuse modeling lingerie.  Kylie recently posted on Twitter,

“I have decided not to model lingerie Because I personally feel that I am not honoring God or my husband by doing it. My marriage is very important & with divorce rates rising I want to do everything I can to protect my marriage and be respectful to my husband. God graciously gave me this marriage and this life and my desire is to live a Godly faithful life, I don’t however judge others for what they do. Everyone is convicted on different levels.”

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Kylie’s faith has been an inspiration to many.  Even though the majority of us may not relate to specifically modeling lingerie, we can be encouraged to honor our husbands with our body by how we dress every day and how we view our self-image.  I hope and pray that Kylie is blessed by this choice to stand in her faith and that she will not receive any negative judgement.  I pray that God uses her to impact millions of women’s lives all around the world, including other models in the industry.  I pray that her marriage is blessed and that Kylie and her husband continue to honor God.

Let us continue to pray for Kylie during the attention she is getting for her public declaration of faith and pray for her marriage!

PS.  It is also awesome to hear that she has a very supportive, encouraging husband!  Praise God for good men!

For more information on the news article and to see a video of Kylie’s interview click HERE!

February 9, 2012
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Book Review – Real Marriage By Mark Driscoll

A few months ago our church announced that Pastor Mark Driscoll would be coming to share on the matters of marriage.  Mark Driscoll leads Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Wa.  Passionate about sharing the gospel and encouraging healthy marriages, Mark launched The Real Marriage Conference.  When the conference was promoted during our Marriage Ministry – FUSE, my husband and I encouraged all of the couples at our table to attend the event.  Although we did not know the extent of the content, we understand the value in committing to bettering marriage through experiences such as this.  With the anticipation of the conference getting closer, my husband decided to listen to the audio version of Mark Driscoll’s book Real Marriage, which we are assuming is the basis for the content shared at the conference.

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My husband was captivated by the material presented in Driscoll’s book, so much that he encouraged me to listen to a few chapters as we commuted home from work together.  It was refreshing to hear Mark and Grace be transparent in their book, courageously tackling issues that affect marriage including friendship, sex, intimacy, abuse, past experiences, and the reality of sin destroying marriages.

One quote from the book in regards to sin says,

“We can kill our sin, or sin will kill our marriages.”

Another quote pulled from the book about friendship between spouses encourages,

“Marital friendship requires both the husband and wife to be willing to invest what it takes to to be a good friend.”

I was so blessed by the short excerpt I listened to in the car that I went and purchased a hard copy of the book.  I knew there would be a ton of great insight that I would want to highlight and underline, making it easier to refer back to if I ever needed to.  I just finished reading the book and I am eager to experience even more when we attend the Real Marriage Conference tonight and tomorrow in Corona, Ca!  This is just the first stop on the Real Marriage Conference tour, I urge you and your spouse to check it out if there is one coming close to your town!

The book was an easy read.  It was relevant and very informational.  My husband and I respect Mark and Grace for expounding on the topic of marriage, encouraging husbands and wives to evaluate their lives and move towards oneness together.  Mark and Grace reveal some of their personal marital struggles, as well as victories they reached together, by the grace of God.  Also, one topic that I feel is presented thoroughly was about pornography.  Being a wife who has endured the harsh reality that pornography has been a vice in my marriage, I was relieved to know that my husband and I were gaining understanding in the matter.  Confronting such issues, and having a piece of the other side revealed through testimony was convicting, yet empowering.  My husband and I need to be wise in this area as we combat the issue together.

Mark does give a disclaimer at the beginning of the book saying,

“Although we seek to be faithful to the bible, this book is not the Bible, and, like you, we are imperfect, so there will be mistakes.  Take whatever gifts you find in this book, and feel free to leave the rest.”

I am learning that Mark Driscoll is a Pastor sitting beneath a very large microscope.  He has many people who do not agree with his teaching, presentation, or perspectives.  Like any other person subject to fame, comes scrutiny.  Many people question if this book is truly helpful for marriages.  I found the content of the book to be helpful, in particular the issues that are mentioned, I was able to talk about with my husband; so the book served as a platform of discussion that did in fact help my marriage in communicating to my husband.  Everyone will have their own opinions regarding the content of Real Marriage, but I say read it for yourself!  Get this resource for you and your husband to read together and then discuss it thoroughly.  See what you agree with or don’t agree with and why.

We believe wholeheartedly that God is moving mightily in marriages.  He is calling us to live up to His standards, reflecting the greatest love story ever!  It is time to take a stand for marriage, gear up, get equipped, and prepare ourselves for the inevitable battles that will try and shake our foundation.  We do this by gaining understanding and seeking wisdom in how to better our marriages, using resources and tools to help us along the way!

Questions, comments, concerns?  If you have anything to add to this review of Real Marriage, please feel free to add in the comments below!

Get The Book

February 3, 2012
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The Manwich – The Proper Way To Feed Your Husband’s Ego, While Encouraging Him To Be A Better Man!

Manwich, is popularly known as the brand of sauce used for sloppy-joe’s, and also known as a man-sized sandwich fully loaded with a ton of meat!  However, I would like to define it a bit differently! I would like to define Manwich as the process to which wives can successfully critique their husbands without any hurt feels.

Have you ever tried to critique your husband, with good intentions, hoping your comment would encourage him to be an even better man, yet it ends up in an argument?

Men will often see your criticism as a negative view of their character, they often times become defensive, and feel disrespected.  There is nothing worse than leaving your husband feeling as though you are embarrassed of him.  Yet, on the other hand, doesn’t it seem like pressure builds up if you try and hold back your seemingly helpful comment?

I believe being honest and transparent with your spouse is a must!  Marriage is a great platform for two people who really care about each other to sharpen each other.  A husband will learn from his wife and a wife will learn from her husband.  Being honest with your feelings contributes to that sharpening, however, the way in which it is presented is the key!

The Manwich in marriage would look like this:

Compliment

Critique

Compliment

 The Manwich The Proper Way To Feed Your Husbands Ego, While Encouraging Him To Be A Better Man! encouragements for wives relationships marriage manwich Encouragement Communication Christian Wife Christian Husband Christian Community Unveiled Wife

Start out by pulling your husband aside; never hand over a Manwich in front of others, this should be an intimate time you and your husband share, and he will appreciate the exclusivity.  As soon as you are alone, begin by complimenting your husband, the more specific the better.  Then, share how you feel your husband could grow by making a slight adjustment.  Lastly, throw in another compliment to ease the blow of the critique.

Using a Manwich seems to be a better way to encourage growth in a man, rather than scolding him or telling him how he can be better.  Husbands thrive off of their wife’s support, appreciation, respect, and value of them.  If the ratio of compliments is greater than the critiques it will not be damaging to their ego.  However, a Manwich should be used sparingly.  Do not find every little thing you think needs to be changed, instead choose your words wisely, and pray about it before you serve it!

 

 

January 18, 2012
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Prayer Of The Day – Yielding To The Holy Spirit In Marriage

God,

May husbands and wives yield to your Holy Spirit!  May we submit our wills to yours and may we follow as you lead us.  We pray that we are sensitive to your Holy Spirit.  Give us ears to hear, eyes to see, and a heart that understands all that you call us to!  We pray that we would be living examples of your gospel.  May your Holy Spirit move through us mightily, gifting us the courage and strength to live our faith out loud for all to see!  Unite husbands and wives and bind them in their marriage, so that we may reflect your love in Jesus Name AMEN!

January 15, 2012
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Prayer Of The Day – Wives Attending Church Solo

Dear Lord,

You know each of our hearts and you know where we are at.  You know every feeling we are facing, every trial that burdens, and every blessing that we are given.  You deem us valuable and worthy, despite what we think of ourselves.  Thank you!  I pray for wives today and I pray that you remind each one of their value.  Please overwhelm each one of us with your precious love.  I pray for the wives who are attending church solo, the one’s who are seeking after you passionately.  May you bless them for their perseverance they have, especially when their spouse is not on the same page.  I pray that you bless her faith and use her example to prompt her husband.  May he be curious in her faith and find a desire himself to attend along side her.  I pray that more couples would get involved in church and support the body of Christians who are serving to make this world a better place.  May testimony after testimony ring true of your power and your gospel in Jesus Name AMEN!

January 12, 2012
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Self-Deception In Marriage

Self-deception according to thefreedictionary.com is defined as the act or an instance of deceiving oneself, especially as to the true nature of one’s feelings or motives

It is also defined as a misconception that is favorable to the person who holds it.

I recently held a conversation with my brother regarding self-deception when it comes to marriage.  The more we wrapped our brains around it, the more convicted I felt about my behavior in my own marriage.

A husband or wife can often fall into the trap of self-deception when their goal in the relationship is to prove themselves right.  They begin believing a misconception about their marriage or about their spouse that is deceivingly favorable to themselves because it fuels a desire to be right.  Self-deception has crept into many marriages and its damaging affects can leave two lovers in ruin.

Let me try and break it down in regards to marriage.

If I think my husband is a certain type of person, or that he does specific things that I feel are contrary to the character of a husband, I need to prove myself right.  Therefore, my goal then becomes to prove myself right based off my husband’s actions.  This may require a bit of manipulation to get the results that would then prove me right.  This most often occurs during fights and disagreements.  The seed of injustice or misconception gives birth to self-deception.

For example, if I want to say to my husband “You never take the trash out!”  I need to build my case.  I keep count of how many times the trash does or does not get taken out, and I intentionally neglect to remind my husband or kindly ask him to take it out, even though he would not hesitate to take it out upon mention.  (For I know that if I mention it to him and he does he take out the trash, it will not prove me right in thinking that my husband never takes the trash out.)

Another example could be found in the intimacy department!  If I feel like my husband never pursues me and that his lack of passion is the ruin of our marriage, when he does initiate intimacy I would most likely not appreciate it and reject his invitation to play.  After repeatedly rejecting my husband, his confidence in our relationship will fade and soon enough he will stop pursuing me.

For another example, take a husband who works many hours.  The wife may misconceive his working as him not invested into their marriage.  She may feel unloved and neglected, convincing herself that he does not care about her.  This mind-set may cause her to have a negative attitude towards her husband, leading to him feeling disrespected.  Over time, he may choose to work even more to avoid her negative attitude, further fueling her feelings of feeling unloved.

One last example of how self-deception can be damaging to a marriage is when one that I struggle with many times and it starts in my heart as jealousy.  If I believe my husband gives other people more attention then me, I am going to look for when he does give people more attention than me so that I can point it out and have proof that my unhappiness is his fault.  It could be as simple as a conversation that he has with someone and then I complain that he never talks to me.

It sounds silly as I write it out, but it happens quite often.

Self-deception is the art of convincing ourselves of a misconception to validate a feeling we have.  We even manipulate situations so to prove we are right in how we are thinking.

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To reverse the affects of self-deception we need to remind ourselves that if our husbands are good-willed men, they are not trying to hurt us.   If we feel a certain way, like unloved or jealous, we need to find the courage to talk to our husbands about it instead of assuming a lie that they are not good-willed and are out to destroy our marriages.

Does any of this make sense?  Let me know your thoughts!

January 11, 2012
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