My body was broken and it hindered me from being able to have sex with my husband. We suffered for years, unable to physically connect as one flesh.
I can count on one hand the amount of times we actually had intercourse in the first three and half years of our marriage, none of which were enjoyable. I tried pushing through the pain I experienced every time we tried to have sex, but nothing seemed to work.
I hate that we even referred to having sex as “trying” when all I wanted was for it to be completely fulfilling.
At one point I had gathered the courage to see a doctor, fearful that I would receive bad news for my condition yet eager to find a solution that would help us. However, the doctor checked me out and said there should be no reason why sex hurts me, only affirming that I was alone in our strange marriage issue. In my book, The Unveiled Wife, I mention my response to our situation when I was done at that doctor visit that day, stating in Chapter 14,
Regardless of the good news the doctor had shared with me, I couldn’t stop repeating these words: I’m so broken.” – The Unveiled Wife Book
I was broken physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My body was not functioning how I thought it should, stirring up feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy as a wife and contributing to the anger I felt toward God. I was devastated!
The lack of physical intimacy threw my husband and I into an intimacy crisis! A chasm kept us far apart and isolated from each other, vulnerable to attacks of the enemy, the one who hates marriage.
Lack of intimacy in marriage will build a chasm between you and your spouse!
For several years, I silently suffered. I thought we were the only couple who experienced such an awful time with sex and I was too timid to talk about our issues with anyone. I felt utterly alone, wrestling with depression as a result of the insecurities that mounted.
For Someone Growing Up So Adamant About Divorce Never Being An Option, My Heart Started To Believe It Was A Possible Reality.
I pulled away from my husband, unsure of how to fix our situation. Diving into fantasyland, whether with books or movies, I become fulfilled by entertaining my heart through other people’s love stories. It became a good distraction from the misery in my marriage. After three and a half years of facing hardship in marriage, I was willing to give up what we had in search of something better.
My mind was battered, my body was broken, and my heart was over it all. I had given up. I had nothing left to help me endure as hopelessness carved from my heart the once- strong desire for my husband.
I suppose the numbness I felt was localized and I accepted the conclusion that I didn’t need him to fulfill me sexually, so I shut down that part of me. However, avoiding sex resulted in catastrophe. I was depriving my husband of whatever intimacy I was able to give him, which bruised his heart every time I said no.” – The Unveiled Wife Book
-Sally Clarkson, Author Of Own Your LifeBuy Book $12.99
Losing a desire for my husband was a huge contributor to why our marriage was almost destroyed. Dwelling on the negative in our relationship, being consumed by the pain of brokenness stripped away my desire for my husband making it easy for me to withhold my physical affection from him. The pain that my husband experienced because of rejection stripped his desire to pursue me. Eventually we both just avoided each other, leading to the destruction of intimacy in our relationship.
Although being sexually broken was a huge contributing factor to the downfall of our marriage, God was not willing to let us go!
Despite contemplating divorce, God got a hold of our hearts and drew us in close revealing to us a much greater purpose for marriage than the fulfillment that comes from sex. You will have to read The Unveiled Wife for the specific journey God walked my husband and I through to get to a place of reconciliation and healing. But be encouraged to know that,
God saved our marriage!
Opening up to talk about our marriage issues and healing has never been easy for me to do. I began by sharing bits and pieces of it through my blog, but after a few years of constant posting God gave me the opportunity and the strength to write out my whole story, from the beginning of marriage to when I received healing.
- Healing of sexual brokenness.
- Healing and reconciliation in marriage.
- Healing and increased intimacy that is more beautiful to experience than I could have ever of imagined.
There are many ways a person can be sexually broken including things done to a person during their childhood, incidents that occurred in past relationships, choices made and regretted, abuse, self-inflicted abuse, sex addiction, an inability to have sex and I am sure much more. I want to be sensitive to those of you who are carrying the pain of sexual brokenness, from whatever circumstance that means for you. I am so sorry that you have endured so much and the reality that it has affected your marriage.
I also want to encourage you that there is freedom from this brokenness and it can be found in God and God alone. You will not find healing without allowing God to guide you into that healing.
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My hope in sharing my story is that other women or even men who are silently suffering beneath the weight of pain in marriage, would find faith to hang on, to embrace God’s purpose of marriage, to be willing to journey with God to a place of healing and experience extraordinary in their relationships with with God and their spouse.
My book, The Unveiled Wife: Embracing Intimacy With God and Your Husband, released March 3rd, 2015. I am the most transparent I have ever been in this book, confident that God is using our marriage story to radically transform marriages for the better. Already people who have read my book are sharing with me the impact it is making in their lives and I am in awe.
For those of you enduring the pain of marriage right now, whether from sexual brokenness or any other issue, here is a prayer just for you:
I pray for the marriages under attack. I pray for the husband and wife who are separated by a chasm and do not know what to do next. I pray for the couple on the verge of a divorce just to try and escape the suffering they are enduring. Lord, I ask that You intercede on their behalf, and I ask for a miracle that would reconcile these couples. Please Lord, please save these marriages! Transform their hearts and heal their wounds. I pray trust can be built; companionship restored, love reignited, and an understanding of Your purpose for marriage gained. Help these couples hang on, have hope for the future, and have faith in Your ability to mend the brokenness completely in Jesus’ name AMEN!”