I am someone who worries. I try not to, but fear is a thorn in my side. Some fears are rational, some are not. Responsibilities and things in life that I can’t control will cause me to fear. Fears are a daily struggle of mine in different areas of my life. My marriage is no exception. Here are a few:
- Fear that I am not the wife God has called me to be. I do not believe that every woman is made to be a wife. I am, so I want to honor God in my role as a wife.
- Fear that I am not a good enough wife for my husband.
- Fear that my husband does not find me attractive. He tells me he does, but isn’t he obligated to?
- Fear that my husband is hiding something that he needs to confess.
- Fear that I will give into temptation and have an affair (emotional, physical, etc.)
- Fear that my husband and I will drift apart and forget why we got married in the first place.
- Fear that my husband will deceive me again and that I will experience the same pain again.
My biggest fear: that my unwillingness to trust that my husband isn’t cheating, looking at porn or any images will cause him to cheat or leave me. I trusted him before, and he did it again and then didn’t tell me about it for awhile. Sometimes, I feel that he doesn’t deserve my trust. During the really hard seasons of my marriage, when I want to leave, there are times that I feel if he did do it again THAT would be my ticket out of this marriage. Sometimes, that wrong thought enters my mind. However, my husband is taking steps to prove his faithfulness to me and be a man with integrity. It is a dizzying cycle and no freedom with my inability to trust. My inability, but not God’s.
I need to surrender my fears to God. There is fear in surrendering. What if I do not like what He wants me to do? What if it hurts? What if…….? I do have faith that He knows best, but I am human. Thankfully, He continually gives me grace.
For I hold you by your right hand-I ,The Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you’. – Isaiah 41:13
I need to grab a hold of God’s hand and not let go. Grab hold and let Him guide me through the unknown. That is faith in action. I believe that surrender will lead to trust and trust will lead to freedom.