Today’s topic of discussion is initiating. When it comes to sex, someone has to be the one to start it, to turn the flame on, to let the other one know it’s time to get busy. Initiating does not come easy to me. I didn’t see this as a problem until a few years into marriage. My husband got his feelings hurt by me because I rarely initiated. He wanted to know that I wanted him and desired him. Initiating was evidence of that.
Once I knew how my husband felt, I wanted to change, but it was hard, it is still hard. I first had to evaluate why it was hard for me. A few things were revealed.
- Initiating is an act of romance. I love to be romanced. I want him to initiate.
- Somewhere into adulthood I believed initiating was something the man should do and be ok with doing. I was convinced it was part of his role as a husband.
- I am afraid of rejection. What if I initiate and he doesn’t want to be sexually intimate?
- I’m lazy.
- I was afraid it will hurt. (If you know my story you know how bad it was!)
- If I don’t feel 100%, I don’t feel like initiating. This leaves a LOT of room for excuse.
These are some really lame discoveries. I hate realizing parts of me like this. I would rather be perfect, a perfect wife. I hate that I hurt my husband. I hate that I still struggle with initiating.
Oh, and I can’t tell you how many times in our marriage lifetime I have talked myself into initiating and then a fight breaks out instead! Am I self-sabotaging without realizing it? It feels that way or else it is a crazy coincidence. When we get into an argument before I have had a chance to initiate, I get really discouraged. I talk myself out of why I should still pursue my husband and initiate…
- I feel disconnected from him.
- I don’t like him right now, how can I be that intimate with him?
- Just forget it, I want to be by myself.
- I’m mad…sometimes taking too long to forgive.
- I’m definitely not going to try now! I don’t want to be sad and hurt physically!
- I’m depressed, let’s eat ice cream to feel better, uh-oh my stomach hurts, now I just want to go to bed.
I’m still in the middle of figuring this one out. I don’t want discouragement to keep me prideful and unwilling to be intimate with my husband. I know what I need to do, it is just a matter of doing it.
There is one more thing I do need to mention. Beyond all the lies I may have believed or excuses I have tucked away in my heart, my flesh is more willing to go against what God desires. God designed marriage for a man and a woman to come together in a covenant and experience oneness. God designed sex for the ultimate physical experience of oneness. Sex is intimate and vulnerable…those things are hard for the flesh. God designed wives to be helpers for their husbands. Why should we think that doesn’t include helping him sexually, being available to our husbands for sex and being initiators of it? My flesh fights this. My flesh reminds me that I have two kids, that I am tired all the time, that I am working all the time, that we are remodeling our house…. and that there is an endless list of things to do and energy to expend! My flesh fights for a perfect circumstance where initiating seems easy…but I don’t really think that exists. God wants more for us and from us. God wants us to experience the extraordinary intimacy meant for a husband and wife. God wants us to deny our flesh and live out the way He designed us too.
Maybe you don’t relate to what I am talking about here. Maybe you have no issues with initiating. That is awesome. For those who do relate and are frustrated about this issue, here is what I am telling myself…
Get up and go tell your husband you want him. Don’t let anything stand in your way of providing him evidence that you desire him. There is no such thing as perfect circumstances, so don’t wait for them. Otherwise you will miss out on some of the most amazing, pleasurable, intimate moments you will ever get to experience with your husband. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, so get up and go get him. Leave your excuses in the dust.
Worst case scenario, he doesn’t want any or a fight breaks out. Don’t get discouraged. If tomorrow comes for both of you, try again.