Who are you when no one is around?
Throughout my teenage and young adult years this question would have burned a hole in my heart. It would have made me squirm and cringe because of shame. I was good at hiding who I was and what I did in secret.
I would put a smile on my face and answered fine to every “How are you doing” question.
Intentionally neglecting to address who I was in private was something I learned to do because of fear that people wouldn’t like who I really was. I convinced myself that it was ok to be one way around my family, another way around church friends and yet another way in the privacy of my bedroom.
I did not know how to walk in integrity, to be the same person whether lots of people were around or no one at all. And I carried this same acceptability into my marriage.
When my husband and I were suffering because we lacked sexual intimacy, I did what I could with him, but found satisfaction elsewhere, in secret, in hiding.
The shame tainted my heart.
Soon I had fortified walls up to keep my husband and God out of certain parts of my life that I didn’t want them to know about.
Can I just say I am so thankful that God caught my attention, convicted my heart to the point of repentance and transformed my character! Now, in my late twenties I can confidently say that I walk in integrity.
I am the same person at church, with friends, at home, and by myself. I am who I am. I no longer hide. I no longer cringe from the sting of shame. Why? Because I have been set free from my sin and from my hiding, I live a life unveiled and I have never felt so close to God or my husband.
I will give heed to the blameless way.
When will You come to me?
I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart.
I will set no worthless thing before my eyes;
I hate the work of those who fall away;
It shall not fasten its grip on me.
A perverse heart shall depart from me;
I will know no evil.
This verse reminds me to walk in integrity, even in my home, when no one is watching. It reminds me to keep my eyes on the things of the Lord. It reminds me to love what is good and hate what is evil.
A perverse heart shall depart from me.