Motherhood has changed my life, from my body to my marriage.
I have shared a little about life after pregnancy, but I have yet to share what I have been experiencing the last few months. In February I became very anxious. Fears gripped my heart regarding my health and how my dependent baby would fare if anything happened to me. I heard that those thoughts are normal among new moms, however, these thoughts spiraled out of control, debilitating me.
I am still wondering how I was able to continue posting on Unveiled Wife with all that I was enduring, again only by God’s precious grace. I am in awe of how God was still able to use me despite the anxiety that coated my heart.
From February until now (Beginning of May) I have been to the doctors 9 times paying over $470. My body was definitely going through something; one doctor noted it as “adjustment disorder.” Although I did seek help from medical professionals, I also prayed, a lot. My husband and I were just gearing up to take some giant leaps of faith with Unveiled Wife and I knew the enemy would be seeking ways to hinder us. As much as I tried to remind myself of this truth, I was feeling “off” and it was impeding on my joy.
I cannot describe the sadness that flooded my heart when I looked at my son. Growing incredibly fast, I felt as if my physical health dictated my ability to enjoy motherhood. Maybe I had postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety… I didn’t care what it was, I just desired to feel “normal” again. The slightest sensation in body was a catalyst for me to search the internet for others who may be going through the same thing. Unfortunately, doing that only revealed things I had never heard of before including rare diseases, yet I convinced myself that I had what-ever “it” was. My life had turned into a messy, physiological terror fueled by what-ifs.
My husband has been such an encouragement during this time of adjustment. He has been my prayer warrior, he has been patient with my irrational thoughts, and he has been making adjustments himself to be my help. I cannot thank him enough for all that he has done and the amazing love he has poured out over me. I am blessed to be his wife, all by God’s grace.
I have cried, I have wept and I have been angry. I will be honest in saying it has been difficult to see other moms posting pictures on Instagram – beautiful photos that would convince anyone that there is such a thing as a perfect life. Jealousy has swirled my mind and my heart more than once, throwing a pity party for myself thinking I am somehow unlucky. Why? Because I am suffering. One day I mentioned this to my husband and his wisdom stopped me in my tracks. He said,
“I am sure people think the same thing of you when they see you post pictures.”
I understood. A photo is just a snapshot, a glimpse, a highlight of someones life. There is a bigger picture. All of a sudden I felt an immense amount of compassion for mothers. I knew that no matter what they looked like or what they posted, moms endure a lot. Whether moms encounter little things or gigantic things, I realized that they still smile, they are strong.
We are not alone in our sufferings.
My doctor recently diagnosed me with hypothyroidism, a result of pregnancy which some women experience. I am trying to do all that I can to recover and I am praying that by God’s amazing grace my body balances itself. I will keep you all updated on my progress.
I guess I really just wanted to let you know that the last few months have been excruciating for me. I felt weird things going on with my body, literally convinced that death was looming. The burden of anxiety has shocked my heart in ways I would have never thought were possible. These changes have interrupted my life and have challenged my faith, they have stolen precious moments of joy away from motherhood and have jolted the foundations of my marriage by how they affect my attitude. Yet God has been faithful and merciful, watching over me. I am praying that His will is done in my life. And by going through what I am experiencing, I now have more compassion for others, which is a really beautiful thing.
I hope that this encourages at least just one person, if not many. Know that you are not alone in your suffering. No matter what everyone’s life looks like on the outside, you never really know just how much they are struggling. Let compassion feed your soul, the compassion of Christ, who loves you and who will comfort you when you are in need!
To all the moms out there… Happy Mother’s Day!
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” – 1 Corinthians 1:3