I will cut to the chase on sharing with you how my husband found out about my secret affair…
I told him.
It was not easy, in fact it was a painful experience for both of us. We were driving in the car when the conviction to come clean overwhelmed my heart. I wanted to stuff it down into a dark crevice never to be unearthed. I wanted to accept the lie that I shouldn’t tell him, that it wouldn’t be worth it. I wanted to pretend like it never happened.
But more than that…I wanted the brokenness in my marriage to be mended.
I was at the end of my rope, grasping for security in the wrong places. My marriage was failing and instead of trying to make it better I was seeking to be fulfilled any way I could. My eyes were self-focused and my love for my husband dissipated the more I pulled away.
Sitting in the car in that moment, humility struck me. My eyes were opened to the chasm I helped build between us and when the words came out of my mouth I saw even more how my actions had impacted my husband.
Tears welled up as hurt from the truth fell upon my him.
I told my husband how I had a dream of another man that resulted in me lusting after him. For about a week I would allow myself to enter fantasyland, wishing this other man was my companion, convinced he would be able to love me better. I even went as far as trying to arrange a time to hang out with this other guy, hoping to feed my desire for more. Thankfully the Lord intervened and convicted me of my wrong before I brought more damage upon my marriage.
However, I assume the fault for having a secret affair. Perhaps by the world’s standards I didn’t have an affair, perhaps the world would tell me I did nothing wrong. But Jesus said,
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:27-28
I was hiding in my sin. I allowed my thoughts to get out of control and I caused pain to my husband. I repented of what I did. I also repented from keeping it from my husband.
I am so thankful the Lord gave me the courage to unveil what I had done. I believe if I had kept it to myself, that chasm would never have been mended. True intimacy with my husband would be impossible.
If you are struggling in your marriage and you know you are keeping your sin a secret it is time to break the silence. The Lord does not want us to cowardly suffer in our own unrighteousness, and He certainly does not want us to be kept from experiencing intimacy with Him or in marriage.
Whether you have or are having an emotional affair, a physical affair, a “lust” affair, or are struggling with other sin such as pornography, addiction, dishonesty, or anything that is contributing to the breakdown of your marriage…it is time to stop what you are doing and experience freedom. Talk with your husband or a trusted friend, someone who can keep you accountable to righteousness. Repent from your ways, actually turn away from them and never do them again. Forgive yourself and receive God’s forgiveness and grace. And when those moments of temptation arise remember this:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5
Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.
It is time we stop contributing to the chasm of distant and agonizing separation in marriage, it is time we assume responsibility and commit to mending the brokenness with God’s help. But we must do it His Holy way. It is time we begin experiencing the extraordinary intimacy we long for in marriage. It starts with us.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 4:22-24
I mention more about this in my upcoming book! You can subscribe for more information about when it will be released: