I am honored to have my friend Jessica, author at Girl in the Corner to be sharing with us today. If her words touch your heart, please tell her what this meant to you in the comments!
I grew up in a world where marriages just crumbled around me, as I know many of you have as well. It is interesting (and heartbreaking) how this effects different people. For me, even from a young age I thought of the story after the “happy ending” we see in the movies. What happens next? When does that moment arise when someone thinks “I need out of this”.
That one thought had me petrified of marriage to the point of never wanting to walk down that isle in this life time. I didn’t want to chance putting myself, the man I love and any kids we may have had through the process of tearing down a family. Fear can be quite gripping. It had a strong hold on me.
Then Chris came along in such a surprisingly nonchalant way. It was just so easy to be around him…so uncomplicated. There was no drawn out, dream like, love story. We just fit together…and after four months we got married. Oh, how God knows my heart. He knew I needed simple in my up and down world.
This was no fairytale…and the first few weeks of marriage made sure I knew it.
Two lives meshing together in a small one bedroom apartment was a bit of a challenge, to say the least. Especially when I had a closet full of insecurities and he, being eight years older than me, had certain ways of doing things. Through absurd arguments, slamming doors and moments of feeling more alone than ever…the thought I feared most came knocking…
I need out of this.
I suddenly understood why anyone would get a divorce and I expected he would be packing his bags any second because that is just how all the stories played out in my mind.
But that moment never came.
There finally was a point, after trying to work on communication, that I explained to him that this was how I thought. This was some sort of breakthrough for us…our fights became less intense and after each one he told me that he isn’t going anywhere. Every time I found that he stayed.
The song “Poison and Wine” from The Civil Wars I feel illustrates the raw truth of marriage. One line echoes in my heart…
I don’t have a choice, but I’d still choose you.
We made a promise, we entered a holy covenant, we chose to stay everyday for the rest of our lives. When I feel stuck there is now this stillness inside rather than fear. In those empty moments of wanting to run…my feet won’t move.
We choose to love each other when we don’t feel in love.
To grasp this concept is to know true romance.
The beauty of all this is that in the daily choice I find Christ. In the daily choice I understand a little more deeply what He chose on that cross. He decides to stay everyday forever…and nothing I do can separate me from that kind of love.
– Jessica Speas http://jessicaspeas.com/