This article is based on just one topic of many mentioned in my book The Unveiled Wife. I wanted to share about this topic more in-depth on my blog to give you all the more insight into one of the things I was dealing with as a young bride.
Three years into my marriage, I was burdened beneath the weight of a secret that was tormenting me. I was convinced that I made a mistake getting married, not because I chose to marry my best friend, but rather because I was wrestling with the thought of being gay.
I had never struggled with my sexual identity before. Marrying my husband seemed like the only choice I would ever want to make because he was my best friend, a perfect companion for me, and our love was passionate. There was not a better option in the world when I committed my forever to him.
We were eager to enter into the covenant of marriage, confident that we were honoring God and excited to finally experience the fullness of love. We waited to have sex until our wedding night and the anticipation of consummating our relationship was invigorating.
Yet, over the course of the first three years of marriage my husband and I never experienced a completely satisfying sexual moment together. From day one of our marriage I felt incredible pain every single time we attempted to have sex. Although our hearts wanted to keep trying and striving for our love to thrive…the lack of sexual intimacy amplified other marital issues.
The years of frustration and pain left us very broken.
I began to doubt our love. And I began to doubt God’s love for me. Everything I once knew was being challenged. I began trading truth for lies, searching for fulfillment, satisfaction, and happiness anywhere I could get it. I yearned to feel whole again.
In an effort to seek sexual gratification, both my husband and I turned to pornography. We did it secretly without the other knowing when, where, or how. Pursuing after such temptation only led to a greater desire for more. The more we allowed ourselves to be satisfied on our own, the less need we had for each other. We had become merely roommates.
Then came the thoughts that I wrestled with about being gay. Day in and day out I was bombarded with a question:
If its not working with my husband, then maybe I am gay?”
I tried to navigate this question, but soon found myself reasoning and justifying why I might be gay…
Sex with my husband hurts.
I’m not turned on by him anymore.
We are just not compatible.
The times we did come together to try and have sex and it didn’t work, only affirmed the belief I was embracing. A woman would be better.
I say I wrestle with the thought of being gay because it was tormenting to me to believe I could be gay when I was married to a man, and I did not want to hurt him. I didn’t even feel comfortable talking about those thoughts in fear that I would crush our already unstable relationship. It would devastate him. I also wrestled with it because as a Christian, I thought God would be angry with me. So I buried the thoughts I had, deep into the crevices of my heart, hoping they would never surface.
However, with those thoughts in my heart, my desire for a relationship with a woman only grew, creating a desire in me to pursue pornography…the only place I knew I could secretly be satisfied.
At the same time this was happening, God was calling my husband and I back to the church. I was very reluctant to go, but I agreed to attend with my husband. With the newly formed friendships we were making, and learning about God’s design for marriage, there came a point in our relationship when I realized I needed to confess to my husband who I really was.
I sat on the edge of our bed and unveiled my whole self to him. I wept as I told him how I struggled with pornography and I was honest about the thoughts I had about being gay.
This is when it clicked. The dissatisfaction in my marriage stirred up a curiosity in me to search for satisfaction elsewhere. Stumbling upon images of women became exciting to me because I wanted to be them. I desired to be sexy, I desired to be touched, I desired to feel physically fulfilled. In my pursuit of lust, I even came across women with women and I accepted a lie that I wanted what they were experiencing. I believed I was attracted to women.
But following the trail of sin in my brokenness while exposing my heart to my husband, it became clear to me: Pornography was the culprit for the lies I had believed. And, had I continued to feed that part of my flesh, I could see how it would have eventually led to me pursue happiness with someone else, leaving my husband and my vows.
Pornography is dangerous. I saw its negative effects first hand in my own life. And my choices to be consumed by it almost destroyed my marriage. Looking back, I feel like I was tricked and deceived both by the schemes of the enemy and my own flesh to believe something that wasn’t true, just so that I could feel good. In a time of vulnerability, pain, and hardship in my marriage, I started to believe things about myself I had never conceived before. I know it was deception because aside from the instant gratification pornography provided, there were also a flood of emotions that made me feel dirty, shameful, and irritable.
When I stopped viewing pornography, repented of my sin of lust, and stopped doubting God’s love for me and my husband’s love for me, I found indescribable peace. I must reiterate that repentance was a vital part of the reconciliation I experienced with God and my husband. Understanding the gravity of my sin, making the choice to stand in the conviction that it was wrong, and to avoid it at all cost was monumental in being set free from the stronghold that once consumed my heart.
The road to recovery is not an instant victory…but there is victory! I want you to know that once I gave up pornography my faith and confidence in my true sexual identity was restored. I enjoy my husband more now than I ever have and I give God all the glory for the restoration we have experienced.
I share more about this, my husband’s struggle with pornography, what it means to be unveiled, and many more marriage issues in my book The Unveiled Wife.
If you are married and are secretly battling with thoughts of homosexuality, may I ask if you also struggle with viewing pornography?
I truly believe the two are correlated, not in every situation, but in many. I realize that there are many people in this world that do live a homosexual lifestyle or who are married to a hetersexual, but supress feelings of being gay, who do not struggle with pornography. This is not an absolute equation that I am sharing with you, rather it is more specifically my testimony, and a window into how pornography can potentially have negative effects on marriage.
No matter who you are I challenge you you to evaluate your life to see if there are any secret sins or areas where you have compromised truth for lies? Some examples include pornography, erotica books, fantasies, discontentment, …
And if there are, pray and ask God to lead you to victory.
Here are some resources for any of you who need to find victory in the area of sex in of your life:
- My Husband Wrote An Open Letter To Pornography
- 9 Things That Helped Me Overcome Pornography
- Review Of Pulling Back The Shades By Dannah Gresh & Dr. Juli Slattery
- Resources To Educate Yourself On Pornography
- My Addiction To Pornography – Its Not Just A Man’s Issue
- Break Every Chain That Holds Down Your Marriage
- The Deception Of Pornography And How It Affects Marriage
- Embrace True Intimacy Devotion