I must preface this article and let you know that I am not a coffee drinker, but my husband is a coffee enthusiast. With that said, I think there is still validity to this issue that needs to be addressed…so here it goes…
There has been a common conflict that has been surfacing among marriages lately. I have picked up on it in conversations I have had, surprised to discover that it seems to be a sensitive issue among wives…maybe you can relate?
Who makes the coffee in your relationship?
You wake up a little groggy and your first stop is to embrace a warm cup of joe. Rage stirs in your heart when the reality sinks in that your husband never made you that desperately needed fresh pot. In your frustration you call him at work to let him know just how much he failed you this morning and how hurt you are that he seemingly forgot about you; although that is never what is communicated. Instead you rant and nag and drill him with angry tones motivating how you say whatever it is you say. After laying the problem on thick, you rush off the phone to let your frustrations settle over your husband. Both of your days are finished with stress coating your hearts.
Do you even reconcile after contention like that, or does it simmer in awkwardness for awhile?
I have heard several wives mention how they need their coffee in the morning, and guess who they believe is responsible for making it…their husbands. Now before you get upset at me for bringing this issue up, know that I am not pointing the finger directly at you; each one of us in some way can learn from this as we expose it!
First of all, let me share that this situation does not only apply to coffee. For me and my husband it happens more so around the trash being taken out or really any task I expected my husband to do, later to discover he never did. So I encourage you to evaluate your marriage and see if there is a trigger like coffee that comes with some expectations. You can identify it by the frustration you feel when left unmet.
In those moments of realizing your expectations were not met by your husband, you also justify your feelings by soaking your heart in beliefs like “He must not love me,” “He doesn’t care about me like I care about him,” “If I have to _______, the least he can do is ____________,” “So-and-so’s husband does it for her,” or “He can’t do anything right.”
Have you ever caught yourself saying these things in your head? Or maybe worse things?
Our human nature is selfish and if we are not intentionally set on being love-focused we are definitely set on being self-focused. It is so challenging not to welcome the flood of negative thoughts and emotions stirred up when our expectations (things we believe should happen) are never met. Disappointment fills our hearts and WHAM! If we are not careful, a tidal wave hits us with all kinds of fury, ultimately negatively affecting our marriage relationship.
We use tactics such as manipulation to get our hurt across, hoping that our actions prove the necessity for such “expectations” to be fulfilled. We find a way to jab and hurt them like we are hurting…hoping we will never be forgot about again.
Except when it does happen again, the fury intensifies, the hurt builds up.
And did we ever think to stop and give a little grace?
Was he in a hurry, doing something else just as important, is he so stressed out he forgot? What is my husband going through that had him neglecting me? I wonder how I can help him today?
I’ll be the first one to admit I never think about my husband in those moments. I only think about me.
Yet God has called me, as a wife, to be his helper.
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” – Genesis 2:18
Some of us revisit the same contention or fights over and over again in marriage. We sulk in our disappointments and wonder why things cannot just be bliss. I am concerned that this way of living will leave us embittered towards our spouse long after the coffee fights or trash fights have ended.
We need to be willing to confront issues such as this and evaluate our responses to them.
I want to encourage you the next time you realize the coffee pot is not made or another expectation of yours is not met, think about helping your husband instead of hurting him. Who knows just how much more of an impact you will make being a positive source in his life, rather than a negative one?