Writen by: Unveiled Wife On August 17, 2011

This Is An Intimacy Crisis And It Needs To stop!

Unveiled Wife initially began because of a strain of intimacy in my marriage.  Sex was a struggle in my marriage for many years and it wasn’t something that was easy to talk about.  I felt led to start a page that would encourage and pray for other wives.  As the Facebook page grew, my husband and I realized that there is a large number of wives who are hurting in their marriage.  We thought that if there is such a huge response from wives, where are the husbands?  So my husband created Husband Revolution, a Facebook page dedicated to encouraging and praying for husbands.

Both Unveiled Wife and Husband Revolution have been up and running for several months now.  These pages have given husbands and wives a platform to be encouraged and be an encouragement, to receive prayer and to pray for others, to seek wisdom and share understanding!  It is such a wonderful blessing to see how husbands interact with other husbands and see wives interact with other wives from all over the world.

However, there is a pattern that we are seeing that we must acknowledge.  This pattern seems to be an underlying issue for many broken and sexless marriages.  It all boils down to The Intimacy Crisis.  We have witnessed men seeking advice as to why they feel unaccepted by their wives.  They feel undesirable and some even feel inadequate as a lover. With all the temptation of lust in this world, unfulfilled intimacy in marriage will make it an even greater temptation for husbands.  Some husbands also struggle with desiring intimacy with their wife, and the rejection causes tension in the relationship.

On the other hand, women are brokenhearted that our men have stopped pursuing us.  We are waiting to be romanticized, yet the idea of sex is tangled up with seeing it as a chore, or there is a lack of desire, or other things take priority leaving no energy to even attempt.  We reject our husbands with excuses or emotional baggage we are unwilling to let go of.  We are tempted to seek emotional connections with others who might understand us better than our own husbands.

Both parties have been wounded in some way or another and no one is willing to risk getting hurt again by initiating.  It becomes a vicious cycle of pain resulting in bitterness keeping intimacy out of marriage.  Couples question who’s at fault, who owes who, and unmet expectations, forcing each other into isolation.

This is an Intimacy Crisis and it needs to stop!  The enemy is laughing at us as we sit in our rooms with tears in our eyes.  Marriages are failing left and right, and some of you are experiencing it right now.  Some of you are and have been experiencing an intimacy drought that has left you hanging on by only a thread.  The weight of this burden has not gone unnoticed and its time we stand up and fight for our marriages!  We need to take the initiative whether our spouse is with us or not, to submit our marriage to God.  We need to allow God to transform us!  We need to understand that our spouse is human and that they will fail and won’t always meet our expectations.  We need to be willing to respond in love and to initiate intimacy daily!

Stop worrying about who did what… forgive as God has forgiven you!

Stop judging your relationship on performance… love unconditionally as God has loved you!

Stop expecting a perfect spouse… for everyone falls short, even you!

Stop the vicious cycle of hurt leading to isolation so you can experience an extraordinary marriage with your companion!

Evaluate your marriage right now.  If you or your husband is hurt in someway, physically, mentally, or emotionally, pray right now that God would heal and restore.  Now go and find a way to spend intimate time with your spouse… and if you can’t for any reason, then continue to pray in faith until God fulfills your marriage!  Don’t be afraid to initiate, for even if you get rejected you are showing your spouse TRUE LOVE just as Christ has loved his people unselfishly, sacrificially and at all costs.

God created marriage and he wants yours to not just succeed, but to be fulfilled in every way!

Unveiled Wife

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My name is Jennifer and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a wife, unveiled, uncovered and wide open, to purge my heart of the pain I have encountered AND to encourage other women in the world who are, have been, or will soon be wives... READ MY STORY HERE

Join The Discussion, Leave A Comment Below!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so so sorry to hear that! Having sexual intimacy issues is challenging! I am praying for you and I am asking God to guide you during this time!

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so so sorry to hear that. Are you praying for your husband and marriage? I believe God can restore this!

  • kiszka6911

    Amber, Its really hard for me to imagine a husband who isn’t attracted to his wife or doesn’t desire her? Something else is happening, maybe he is having an embarrassing issue? I think your on to something with the financial issues. If he feels he can’t provide for you then his ego may have taken quite a bruising. Thanks and encouragement may help him. He also maybe concerned about making a child that you can’t afford. Men are poor conversationalists, I have a really hard time vocalizing my feelings, and I would say i am pretty typical male. What do you do to inspire your husband? Do you make an effort to attract him, we are visual creatures.

  • Confused Christian Wife

    My husband and I have had a history dating back to high school. We have been married for 4 1/2 years now. We got married quickly after reuniting the last time, and he left me shortly after. We spent many months working things out and trying to come back to where we are, but we are still not where we should be. Prior to getting married, intimacy was never an issue for either of us. Since getting married, my husband seems to have little interest in intimacy with me. I have, on a number of occasions caught him talking to other women on the computer through email and other social sites. Pornography sites were constantly in my browsers history. When he left me shortly after being married, he spent a lot of time with his ex-girlfriend, whom he had just ended it with prior to us getting back together, and was very abusive to him. He denies being intimate with her during this time, but after he decided to return home, he was still secretly calling and texting her ever day. denied it until I presented evidence. With the other women he was having intimate conversations with, most were out of state, so nothing physical happened, but knowing he was sharing intimacy, even on a level of vulgarity, was enough to break me down, knowing he didn’t want to share with me any level of intimacy. Within the last year or so he has not, to my knowledge, had any contact in that way with another female, but constantly wondering and looking for signs of anything is really bringing me down. Still to this day I can not bring myself to initiate anything for the simple fact he rejected me so many times. I feel as though I have been “conditioned” not to. And the only time we ever have sex is when he initiates it, which is not often and seems to lack passion and emotion. I feel as if it’s more about him than anything and it’s all about his needs. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s almost like we just can’t agree on anything here lately and we are always fighting. We can’t seem to get on the same page. Sometimes I feel like I am only here to take care of our children and keep the house clean.

  • Scottie

    I have been married for 34 years. One of my questions is how do you deal with a partner that wants you to do things out of your comfort level. For example, doing housework naked. He says I should be flattered but I have absolutely no desire to do these things. Maybe part of this is because sexual intimacy has been an issue due to several pelvic organ prolapse surgeries (resulting in pain) and also menopause. I never had a high libido but I virtually have none now. Thank you for any input. I just don’t know if I’m unreasonable about these requests (our children are grown so we are home alone) or if many women would feel the way I do. I dread hanging out with my husband alone because he gets very angry when I say I don’t want to do the things he asks.

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    This is just a season of your marriage, & it will pass! Please don’t feel guilty about cherishing your time with those precious boys, they will grow & leave you with an empty nest soon enough. Perhaps you & your husband could arrange for someone to watch your boys for an occasional date night? Your boys are important, but so is your marriage, make sure you give it the attention it needs.

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    Have you been to see a Christian counselor? Please do it for yourself. God loves you so much & doesn’t want you to feel like this. Go by yourself if your husband won’t go with you. If $$ is an issue, there are places that charge based on financial need.

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    God is with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you, & He loves you so much!

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    Talk to your husband about counseling, go by yourself if he won’t go with you. Ask God to show you what to do.

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    Have you discussed this with your husband? Will he go for counseling? Your children & grandchildren should not be subjected to his behavior.

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    This is just a season of your marriage, it won’t last forever! Enjoy each other when you have the opportunity, & pray together.

  • Pamela Weisner Silvano

    “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church”…Pray for her, & pray with her if she’ll allow it. SHOW your love to your wife every day,& NEVER give up.

  • Amber

    I am going through a somewhat similar situation. My husband is not very affectionate either. We haven’t been intimate in months. In every other aspect our marriage is great though. We go out on dates and we share pretty much everything. We really are best friends, but when it comes to physical intimacy, it is like he freezes. I try to talk to him about it and he insists it isn’t me, but that he just doesn’t feel like it. We have been going through a really rough time the last few years financially to the point where we have even been living with my mom the last few years. Maybe that has something to do with it.

  • Deanne Price

    Don’t give up! I know it’s hard, but I encourage you to keep trying. Keep going. Jesus is the great healer, and if we allow Him to, He can do great and wonderful things in our lives. Your marriage is worth it.

  • sad hubby

    My wife and I have been married 15 years. The early years were tumultuous to say the least. Two good people from diverse cultures, trying to escape horrible homes characterized with daily marital strife. We found each other and probably married for the wrong reasons at the time. We were both wounded in different yet significant ways. Bottom-line, I hurt my wife – I was unfaithful to her early the marriage and dealt with my childhood issues by myself, making her feel rejected. I would deal with these issues and become the man I knew I could be, but it was too late. She had an awakening and would start an affair driven by hurt. she is a totally different person now and claims she despises who she has become versus the person I have become. Her transformation is as a result of pain and our marriage seems to be doomed as since her hotel rendezvous have come to light we have been intimate twice in the past year. we have three children. I have tried to rekindle her love, but she consistently claims I am only doing this because she is pulling away and had connected with somebody else. I kept trying because this didn’t happen in vacuum, there was a root cause. However, the rejection continues. We are basically room mates and I am beginning to emotionally accept that you can’t force love. I am praying for a positive resolution, but after the years I am beginning to accept – and its sad. any advice would be welcomed.

  • Bella

    We attend church regularly, and there is a marriage ministry in the church. At this juncture, I’m no longer willing to seek help.
    I’ve had enough.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    I am so sorry to hear that you two are experiencing. There is so much more to marriage than sex. It seems as though you both need to learn how to love again. But it will require that you invest time and energy along with getting some more counsel. Do you attend church? Is there a marriage ministry you can attend?

  • Bella

    My husband and I have been married 45 years. Early in our marriage, I discovered he was cheating on me, at which time we went for counseling and things were awesome. About 10 yrs. later I cheated on him, and again the same scenario. . . counseling and return to normal. I never, cheated again after that. The pain it caused my husband and our family wasn’t worth my15 minutes of fun with someone else. Well about 10 yrs. ago, it happened again, my husband cheated on me a second time. Again, months of painful counseling, forgiveness and recovery. Shortly after his last affair, I went through menopause, developed an auto-immunde disorder, and experienced a prolapsed urinary bladder. All of this created a situation where sex was excruciatingly painful. The auto-immune disorder leaves me with ulcers in my vagina that bleed and are painful during intercourse. They are sometimes surgically treated, but mostly are treated w/medication. The prolapsed bladder can be surgically corrected, but we didn’t see the point of surgery since the auto-immune disease is a life long sentence! The reason I share this is because there are medical reasons why I have a sexless marriage. Just recently I discovered that he is cruising through on line pornography, 3-5 times a day.
    This really hurt me. I would be willing to help him have some sexual pleasure if he would let me know what he wants, but he doesn’t. When I confronted him with this, his answer was, “Hey, at least I didn’t cheat on you!” I am 65 years old, at my wits ends with the sexual issues, and want out of this marriage. I’m tired of counseling, refuse to go anymore, and am completely trapped in my own situation. I’ve been financially dependent on my husband for 40+ years and have no money of my own. I am a Christian woman, and cannot believe that God has allowed this in my life AGAIN. For me there is no turning this around, and just don’t have the desire or the energy to work on it any further. Please help. . . . .

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    Can you talk to him about the issue?

  • Sarah

    My husband and I will be married 9 years (15 all together) this year. When I met him he wasn’t overly lovey. I thought he was just not comfortable being intimate in front of others. Now, he hardly hugs me. I feel more like his sister with an occasional sexual fling. He has maybe 10x in our Whole marriage inittiated sex. If I don’t then we don’t have it. Well, since my love take is Never filled I don’t feel like having sex very often. I really feel he doesn’t love me anymore but would rather I be his prostitute :-( As a christian and because I love him, I want this to work!! ~Sarah

  • Nikki

    Please pray for my husband and I N&M. We need all the prayer that we can get. We have hurt each other and are in counseling, but my husband says that he forgives and will not forget. we are young, but have been married for 11 years and really need our intimacy restored in order for this to work.

  • Anonymous

    Michelle your story reads exactly like mine. I’ve stopped trying to initiate for fear of being rejected. We’ve not had sex once this year. In the 3 years we’ve had sex probably less than 10 times if even that. It hurts so much. I will pray for you. Please pray for my marriage too. Let’s pray that God will work a miracle in our husbands’ thoughts, that whatever is stopping them from initiating sex or having the desire for it, that He would restore the love and intimacy He intended for marriages. Pray for all marriages going through this. I declare a supernatural restoration in marriages in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen

  • Rae

    so true

  • Mary83

    :/ i have the same problem, it just seems that i don’t interest him that much no more…
    i don’t want our marriage to fail :(

  • MeemsW333

    It’s been so long I don’t even know where to begin. My husband and I have been married 8 years (16 together) I want to seek help but am discouraged to the point that trying is so hard now. It encourages me to see that I am not alone however I still feel VERY alone. We are great friends but sexually there’s nothing there. I have tried many time over the past 3 years but to no avail. Mentally and emotioally I’ve given up and unfrotunately I have no hope in seeing change. God is an awesome God and can turn all things around for good. This I believe, I have surrendered my will and desire to the Lord, Pray He restores my faith in this area, becuase I have none.

  • MP

    Thank you for so eloquently and boldly saying something I needed to hear. We have been caught in a cycle for several months now and we are at a oint where something needs to change. We are planning a getaway this weekend with our girls and my mom, so we already have dates planned each night. I am so thankful that I found this article before our trip. I believe this was definitely a God-ordained discovery. I am looking forward to the changes that my newly directed prayers will being about over the next weeks!

  • Jennifer

    Thank you again for an amazing post. This is what I have been living with for 12 years. I thank God that I have chosen a different path by trying to keep myself set aside for my husband even if he doesnt want me. God see and will bless me. Sometimes it isnt easy but through God’s grace and mercy I make it each day!

  • joyce

    I dearly love my husband. I do not like him however. I absolutely loath being intimate with him because of the way he treats our kids and grandkids! We arr constantly fighting because of his hateful attitude toward them. He picks at every little thing. No affection only orders! I am fed up with his attitude and desperately need a miracle!

  • mama4jc

    My husband left me 4.5 years ago because of this. He succumbed to temptations that were out there where he traveled for work and is still with the woman he left me for. Our family was destroyed because of this. Get help if you can still save your marriage.

  • Stacy

    Love, love, love these words.

  • Michele W

    I live a sexless marriage.  3 years now.  I know my husband loves me as a person.  He appreciates me and gives me encouragement.  My husband does not know how to love me as a WOMAN.  His idea of any intimacy involves a peck, a hug, and a hand being held.  And for no more than 5 minutes.   I have prayed for patience and guidance.  Most days, I am okay.  I love him so very much and he is such a doll to me.  He just is NOT attracted to me intimately whatsoever and has told me so. He says to keep praying, that God knows no time.  
     I feel lost as a woman.  I feel more like a robot now.  I don’t even know how to act as a woman.  On the days I DO fix myself up, he doesn’t even notice and if he does, it’s a casual remark of….”Oh you look nice”.  Like a friend would say to you, NOT a husband.  I know that there is no other woman, however I do suspect the alternatives.  Even though they may not be the REAL DEAL, it’s still hurtful to know some Stranger is getting what I deserve intimately.  With Jaki’s comment below, I have heard almost Exactly word for word from my husband about the human nature and I should pray for him and deal with it.  I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore and I am asking for prayer, guidance and counsel..   Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=578791386 Jaki Adams

    i think most of the reasons why husbands don’t want to have sex with us wives, is because they have alternatives-porn, facebook, pictures, etc. or maybe because we are not attractive to them anymore, don’t have enough private time, or could be because of the recent fights. whatever it is, i don’t think it’s an excuse to ignore us. i believe that if you love your spouse, you would do anything to make the relationship work. unfortunately, most wives are unloved because men would simply reason out that it’s their human nature to be like that, it is really unfair that us wives would be the one to always suffer-that we should always be the one to try to understand the behavior of our husbands, that we should be the one to make more adjustments..why can’t they do the same for us if they truly love us, instead of focusing their attention to other sexual objects. don’t they know that we have sexual needs too?? why do we always need to exert that much effort to please our husbands so that we could AT LEAST GET WHAT WE NEED, and why are we the ones to always make the adjustments and sacrifices? why not them also?

  • Frustrated Wife

    My husband and I have been married for 4 months. Sexual attraction has never been a problem for us. However, since my husband started working this new job, we hardley ever see each other. When he gets home I am already asleep. When I wake up he is still asleep. We miss each other in the afternoon. He only has one day off a week, so we try to be intimate then. I am just getting frustrated because we are not having sex. This is very recent so I don’t know how to approach the subject with him without hurting his feelings. I have told him I feel like the man in this situation. I want him all the time, and it is extremely frustrating when we can’t even make time once a week! I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible because of this and I don’t know how to fix it!

  • tashamaree

    Try Natural Family Planning to achieve or avoid pregnancy – and trust in God and His ability to provide! I think you both are holding on too tight and it’s squeezing the life out of what should be natural and free :)

  • Aidelysburgos

    What if there is a cont. Cycle of drug abuse n verbal abuse… She a wife cont. To keep giving chances after chance or let go??

  • Elance

    I am praying for you both!

  • IBelong2JC

    My husband and I will reach our 25th anniversary this July.  If not for God’s intervention, I would hate to think where we’d be.  We haven’t been intimate for over a year now.  I admit that I am rejecting him because I feel he has chosen to put something else first in his life which is a marijuana addiction.  He is saved but he has been struggling with this for years and it’s come between us. I’ve drawn closer to the LORD because of this and he has admitted that he feels like he’s competing with Him, is utterly alone and is inadequate. He shared that he wishes he could have the same kind of faith in God that I have.  Part of of the reason is his struggle to find a steady job and not being able to fulfill his role as a provider.  And yet there is no doubt that we very much love each other…we manage to find other ways to be “intimate” by expressing our love for each other – daily.  Sometimes it’s sending impromptu text messages, going on walks, holding hands, watching a movie together, etc.  Still, I know that we’re really missing out by not being physically intimate.  My desire is that my husband’s relationship with the LORD is renewed and that He continues to show me how to be self-less.

  • Sparks6983

    I feel in the same position. Has anything helped at all?

  • Anonymous

    It has been a daily battle for me since the day we got married just over 10 months ago. My husband absolutely does not believe in birth control. He also believes that we are called to have a celibate marriage until God blesses us with the resources to raise a child. He frequently claims that he is too busy to even engage in foreplay once or twice a month. I am not opposed to using birth control, because I know that we cannot financially afford to have a child right now. I have to be deliberate in kissing him hello and goodbye, as well as hugging him, otherwise I would not ever be touched. He had not said anything about us not having sex after the wedding prior to us taking our vows. Lately, he has taken to shutting me out of most of his life. I’m starting to wonder if he loves me at all and if this marriage was a mistake. 

  • Cvett84

    My husband fixed our sexless and intimacy issue nearly 30 years ago. He just won’t be intimate or have sex with me. Thats his way of fixing our problem. For 30 years I’ve been lonely, depressed, unloved and just plain terrible. All he says is get over it, find something else to do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Grace-Bloodsworth/1343780705 Grace Bloodsworth

    Thank you for the honesty, prayers and encouragement here.  I have to praise the Lord for completely turning around a really negative time a few days ago.  So easily marriage crumbles into a system of “I owe him, now he owes me”, and that will never bring joy or good fruit.  The only way out for me was turning my focus away from my husband to God and when I saw how good He has been to me, and that He is the source of any good I may be able to do for my husband, and that He was willing to give me real love and grace in a time of testing- it was wonderful!  Now my husband and I are getting closer too.  Pray for me to make and keep Jesus first in my life.  Without Him I fail.

  • Mandyjoy27

    This is exactly the situation in my marriage. He doesn’t always reject me, but when he does…..wow it really hurts. While reading this, one part really stuck out to me…..” The enemy is laughing at us as we sit in our rooms with tears in our eyes.” I must admit this was me just the other night; sitting alone in OUR room crying because my husband had rejected me the night before. I pray that this intimacy crisis ends in our marriage, and we both have the stregnth pursue the marriage and intimate relationship God intended for us, ALL OF THE TIME.

  • Tiffany

    This is definitely relevant to my marriage at the moment. I know my husband feels rejected by me, but I just can’t find the will to even want the intimacy. I love him with all my heart, but if I could get rid of the sex, I’d be just fine. I know it stems from bigger issues, but so far they haven’t been resolved, and he can’t help with that. I keep praying, that’s all I can do at this point, I believe.

  • Stelpat

    Every negative voice saying my marriage will not stand, i command u in the name of Jesus, be silenced for evermore. Amen. Pls join me in prayer.

  • cloeybee

    The blessing of intimacy with our spouse is such a precious gift from God. If we could train ourselves to think of our spouse before ourselves, it would surely reciprocate and flow into other areas of our marriage.

  • cloeybee

    The blessing of intimacy with our spouse is such a precious gift from God. If we could train ourselves to think of our spouse before ourselves, it would surely reciprocate and flow into other areas of our marriage.

  • Stacy

    I really enjoyed reading this. Me and my husband have 2 boys 1 & 5. . They always keeps us  busy .By the time I meet their needs I feel spent and it causes issues with me and my husband .I pray for this as well. 

  • guest

    god please help our relationship as we are not talking with each other and i really want to talk to him, but there is something  that is stoping me from moving ahead

  • Brandi

    Hello, this is exactly what my husband and I are going through… I have no clue why my mind has a mental roadblock when the time for intimacy comes.. It makes us both isolated from each other and bitter.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1671704560 Shari Washburn-Irish

    I wish my husband could understand this too…. the cycle can be broken!

  • http://www.unveiledwife.com Unveiled WIfe

    good point Karen! I noted in paragraph 3 and I pray for wives who struggle with husbands who reject them. 

  • Guest

    I was wondering if someone was going to mention that.  I’m going through the same thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1280185599 Jamie Scott Whitaker

    Hi Karen.  If you will take another look at paragraph 4, you will see that the issue of husbands also rejecting wives is mentioned.  If you are going through this in your marriage, I pray for you to get through it.  I know its difficult but don’t give up hope.  God Bless you and your marriage!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1280185599 Jamie Scott Whitaker

    Karen, if you will take a look at paragraph 4, you will see that this article addresses the point you brought up.

  • Karen

    please note that husbands reject wives also….

  • Karen

    please note that husbands reject wives also….

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