Whether you have a husband who is ill or is on antidepressants or whatever the circumstance – you have the same problem as me. We want “it” more than he does.
Even if it’s only once a week or once a month, it still may not be enough. I know there have been times where I have asked myself what’s wrong with me? Or maybe the question is what’s wrong with him? It’s frustrating I know. My husband at 29 has a low sex drive because of his type 1 diabetes and to top it off I’m pregnant. My hormones are pretty crazy and I can’t get enough of my husband. I have had some revelations recently that I’d like to share. Prayerfully they will help you as they have helped me. My hope is that one thing will stick in your mind that you can hold onto during this journey to loving our husbands more.
So here are my questions and tips that may help us along our way.
4 Tips For Wives With Higher Sex Drives
#1 What is the real issue?
With me, I crave intimacy. Sex can be a quick fix, but what I really need is an intimate time with God and my husband at the same time. I know this sounds crazy, but I didn’t discover this until recently. One morning God woke up my husband at 6:30 am, the alarm wasn’t set to go off until 8 am. I woke up to him rubbing my back and running his fingers through my hair. He kissed me and held me and then prayed for me. It was an intimacy that lasted 2 hours that I had never experienced. It was then I realized that it was not sex I wanted it was intimacy.
When was the last time you had an intimate moment with your spouse that did not include sex?
Sometimes it’s just a time issue. I have 4 kids… am I going to have time every day to spend with my husband? Try doing a nightly devotion with your husband a few times a week. I highly recommend doing them in bed, whether they are at night or not. “Ten Minutes Together with God” is an awesome book that both of us loved.
#2 Are you craving connection?
God wants us to be “equally yoked” with one another meaning that he wants Christians to marry Christians. We hear this all the time, however I believe there are exceptions – what if he has walked away from The Lord? What if you were both unbelievers, but since you’ve been married you’ve become a Christian and he hasn’t? God has called us to love our husbands regardless. What if he’s married to his work? What if he works out of town or travels a lot? You may have a connection problem. When was the last time you talked to him and told him that you need some us time? Communication is key!
Don’t be afraid to go to your husband and say “Hey babe I miss you can we go somewhere and talk?” It doesn’t have to be spontaneous you can go on a date or if you are poor like me, I call them donut dates. We go to Dunkin’ Donuts get a coffee a donut and sit in the car and talk. I don’t mean I talk, I want to know more about my husband. Engage him, ask him how his day went. How was work? I don’t know about you, but I always learn something. What is something he likes to do? Plan on doing it. Show him you love him in other ways and when he feels connected with you the intimacy usually follows.
#3 Do you both talk to each other about your sex life?
I did say that communication is key. He may not be able to give what you need as often as you’d like for many different reasons. Don’t be afraid to talk to him about it and see if he is willing to help you be satisfied without him having to have sex with you. I know it may be awkward, but there is definitely intimacy in just using a touch. You may think that I’m implying something and you would be right, however there is also nothing like having a good old fashion make out session. My husband may laugh, but when I randomly say, with my head held low and a huge grin, “Will you make out with me?” he always kisses me. Sometimes he may ask if we can finish later, but I always get a kiss. One thing, most times, leads to another. My husband is a pretty modest man and always is honest when my clothing is too revealing for an outing and he prides himself in a modest wife. However, when at home something that he enjoys that gets him in the mood is a tease in skin. All men enjoy their wife’s body, but sometimes we try too hard and think that we have to go out and get sexy night wear to catch his attention. That’s not what it takes even though sometimes for special occasions like his birthday that may be fun. You can’t do that on a daily basis. What I mean is “accidental” teases. Get creative!
#4 Are your children distracting you from focusing on your marriage?
Maybe you really wish he would try harder in the sex department, but maybe you need to work harder in the small stuff that your husband may miss. When I got married my Grammy gave me a piece of advice, she said
“Meg, spoil your husband not your children, by spoiling him, your children watch and see what love is.”
This has stuck with me all 10 years of our marriage. It’s the simple things that help him feel like your king. Maybe it’s serving his dinner first at the table. Maybe it’s having his favorite drink ready and waiting for him when he gets home from work. Maybe it’s a foot rub. Maybe it’s picking up his dry cleaning or picking up his favorite danish at his favorite store.
To build intimacy in your marriage you need to invest in your spouse. I can give you all the tips in the world, but nothing will work if you don’t pray for your sex life. Ask The Lord to give you understanding. He wants you to love your husband and He wants you to feel Ioved. He finds favor in a marriage that is filled with joy and He’ll help you accomplish that. It’s going to be difficult, but the first change has to be within yourself. Don’t be offended if none of these things work, just try to understand why. You will learn a lot about you and your husband if you pray through the struggles. Just remember that you are beautiful and God loves you.