When my husband and I were dating, my sex drive was extremely high. I desired to be physically one with the man who promised to be my husband. We had made a commitment early on in our relationship to abstain from sex until marriage. It was difficult, especially the closer we got to the wedding date. We both wanted each other and craved the incredible intimacy that sex would provide.
We finally married.
Much to our surprise, we could not have sex. Even though we really wanted to, my body kept us from being able to enjoy it. Instead of pleasure, I felt pain.
After a few weeks of trying to have sex and it not working, my desire for sex plummeted. After a whole year went by and the pain was still present when we tried to engage in intercourse, I stopped wanting it altogether. My sex drive became non-existent.
By year three, I wanted a divorce. I wanted to escape the heavy burden of not being able to satisfy my husband. I wanted to find a life where I could be satisfied instead of confronted by my inadequacies as a wife.
If you want to read my story I encourage you to get The Unveiled Wife. I go into a bit more detail for you in my book.
Today I wanted to focus on what happened to my sex drive. When I say it plummeted, I mean it flatlined. Dead. Nada. Zero. Zip. And because I didn’t desire sex anymore, when my husband pursued sex with me, it became annoying to me. A chore. Disgusting. Inconvenient.
I know there are many wives, who for many different reasons, have a lower sex drive than their husbands. I want to draw into the light the truth that this kind of imbalance can be taxing on a marriage, both physically and emotionally.
If you are a wife struggling with a low sex drive, would you be bold enough to share your story in the comments or add some of the findings you have discovered along your journey. May we all be encouraged to hear from you.
Having a lower sex drive than your husband sucks. As I am sure having a higher sex drive than your husband sucks. This imbalance needs to be addressed, otherwise your marriage will feel its affect.
Please consider the many factors that can contribute to having a low sex drive. We must be willing to confront the root of the issue, address it, and do what we can to mend it. If we are willing to face it, can you imagine how much better life would be healed and balanced in this area? Please also consider that God may have allowed you to experience this issue to draw you closer to Him and to teach you something new and wonderful.
With all of this in mind, here are a few things to consider concerning a woman with a low sex drive:
Don’t put it off.
We women work long and hard all day long, especially those with children. We can often times let issues remain unresolved for years because we are too tired to figure out what the problem is. Don’t put it off any longer. Your body is of value and it is your responsibility to take good care of it. If your body is not working properly, you must figure out why, or at least you must never give up trying to figure out why. When we give up, we are giving up on our marriage.
Don’t be afraid to do some research about it.
For the first few years of my marriage, I refused to investigate why my libido was wavering. I was so emotionally devastated and insecure about the issue that I chose not to research at all. Had I taken the time to do so, perhaps I would have found an answer to my issue much earlier. Just because the issue has to do with a female private part doesn’t mean we should avoid talking about it, especially when there is such a great need to gain understanding of that area of our bodies.
Don’t discount environmental factors.
I know this sounds off-the-wall, but by God’s grace my husband and I discovered that parabens, an ingredient in most personal care products, are known as endocrine disruptors. They mimic estrogen and can wreak havoc on our bodies causing them to stop functioning properly. This is also something I discuss in my book. When I got rid of parabens, the pain during sex ceased! Do some investigation as to what ingredients you are putting on your skin, hair or anywhere on your body. Here is a great resource to check the harmfulness of ingredients EWG.org.
When it comes to our bodies, we must understand that every part of our body is connected. What we eat, how we move, what we put on our skin, it all affects parts of our bodies differently. Question everything you do, eat, drink, put on. Do some research on hormones, diet, exercise, birth control and beauty products. Did you know that diary and processed foods can be libido killers? Be a good steward of your body by knowing it well and knowing what you are offering to it.
Our bodies were created to go through different seasons and stages of life. For example, pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause are natural phases we experience and our hormones take time to adjust to our new normals. So if this is just one of those seasons for you, be okay! Embrace this season of different and maybe difficult, praying through it every step of the way. What you shouldn’t do is allow your emotions to throw you into a frenzy, a panic, a worry. Just breath and find ways to de-stress. Be encouraged to know that your body is resilient. The best thing you can do is make strides to take care of your body as best as you can. Stay strong!
Mayo Clinic states:
A woman’s desire for sex is based on a complex interaction of many components affecting intimacy, including physical well-being, emotional well-being, experiences, beliefs, lifestyle and current relationship. If you’re experiencing a problem in any of these areas, it can affect your sexual desire.
For more information on what can be affecting your libido check out Mayo Clinic HERE.
Just because you have a low sex drive, does not mean that it will always be this way. Pray about this area of your life and ask God to guide you to a place of sexual balance with your husband. A place where sexual intimacy thrives and is mutually satisfying.
Also, be sure to have open communication with your husband about what you are going through. This is what it means to be unveiled! To share with your husband your heart on significant areas of your life.
And lastly, if your husband’s sexual drive is imbalanced, whether high or low, pray that God would also direct his heart to find healing in this area. Ask God to help you navigate your sex life with your husband.