It Is Worth Forgiving Your Husband

It Is Worth Forgiving Your Husband sex intimacy in marriage pornography Forgiveness betrayal Unveiled WifeI am honored to share with you a guest article today from my friend Jennifer.  She has been an integral part of the Unveiled Wife Community since its beginning just over a year ago.  She has personally encouraged me in many ways and I am blessed by her friendship and support.  This article is her testimony of choosing to forgive her husband, despite betrayal, hurt, and pain.  I appreciate the courage she had to share this part of her marriage with all of us and I think many wives can relate to the topic.  Please leave Jen a comment, letting her know how her words impacted you.  You can also connect with her on Twitter or on the UW Forum!

Jennifer writes:

One year exactly from our first date, I said “I do” to the man who I knew as a boy when we were growing up to the man he was. We were in love and full of hope for our future. I thought I knew what it was to be a wife at 22 and he was such an easy man to love. In a word, I thought he was perfect.

Fast forward 4 years later, and I felt my world was falling apart all around me. My husband, Matt, and I were struggling (I think it was money issues) and I knew something else was not right and after a lot of persistence, he finally confessed that he had been looking at images of lingerie models online. I knew he had struggled in the past with this, but had told me he was no longer looking at images online. I was shocked, angry, and hurt. I wanted to leave and thought that God would allow it because Matthew 5:27-28 says that he had committed adultery.

I have never felt so betrayed. He had been keeping this a secret from me for I don’t know how long. He said he did not tell me because he didn’t think it was wrong because it was not pornography. (I have since learned that a lot of men think this way). I have always been open, honest, and faithful to this man. I had questions going through my head. Why was this happening? Why am I not good enough? Was it my weight? I will always be the first to admit my flaws, but my husband has ALWAYS said he loves my body. So why look at images? I had honored our vows, so why did God allow this? This was not fair. He could have stopped this, but He did not.

I felt trapped. I felt trapped because I had nowhere to go. Literally. Six months after we were married, we had moved to another state, away from family and it did not seem right to stay with friends. It was those friends that helped us out. I truly believe that we were in Florida so that I could not go to my parents house and I could not kick Matt out.

I made Matt call his closest friend who lived nearby. I made him call because he was going to confess. I wanted people to know he was not as great of person that I thought he was. After that conversation, his wife, who is a great friend of mine asked if we could go out for coffee. Long story short, she knew what I was going through and made me think about leaving my husband. She knew what it was like to choose to trust again, or not. So, I had a choice. To leave my marriage, or trust again.

I am choosing to trust my husband. When I wake up everyday, I make that choice. He is doing his part to help me with that. We have made some changes. Within a couple of days after his confession, he showed me how to check the history log on his computer to see what sites he had been on. He does not play certain video games due to how the female characters are dressed and of course, will not go to lingerie stores with me. What is important is that he does this WITHOUT complaint. This will always be a struggle for him (as it is for most men) and I am hoping to one day trust without fear that he is keeping secrets from me. Another thing that helped is our minister at the church we were attending at the time gave my husband a book called

Every Man’s Battle with Workbook: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey

I also have to choose not to hold this over him. I forgave him and can not let this ruin our future. I can not do this alone. I have the Holy Spirit who convicts me when resentment creeps in my heart. It is not fair to my husband, our marriage, and more importantly, dishonors God. Sin is sin. It is all equal in God’s sight and I if I do not forgive, then I am sinning and as His Word says, He will not forgive me. (Matt. 6:14-15)It Is Worth Forgiving Your Husband sex intimacy in marriage pornography Forgiveness betrayal Unveiled Wife

Another benefit I get because I forgave my husband Matt is that I am happier. Call me selfish, but it is worth it.

We will be celebrating 10 years this June and I have no regrets. I love my husband more than I thought possible. I know he is not perfect and neither am I. This was a wake-up call. We learned that this can affect anyone, but with God’s help, you can move on and have a great marriage.

- Jennifer Schwickerath

Twitter: @keltrinswife

If you are interested in submitting an article to guest blog for Unveiled Wife please check out the details HERE!

June 7, 2012
In Sex & Intimacy In Marriage , ,
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Join The Discussion, Leave A Comment Below!

  • Camela Moon

    I do all I can to please my husband but my husband kept flirting with an ex girl friend…secretly through emails…when I discovered it, it just about killed me.

  • Camela Moon

    Yes, Ladyesther36…only Jesus can be trusted 100%. It truly is the worst pain a person can bear…infidelity…in any form…physical, flirting on the side, fantasizing…just not completely keeping one’s spouse as your one and only…like is in the marriage vows. My situation has not been as severe, but it hurt terribly and I am just trying to get over it and forgive but the trust is going to take time.

  • Lisa

    I enjoyed reading your story and agree that it is worth forgiving. My husband and I had been married for almost 9 years (together 11), with 3 young children, when he started withdrawing from me. After asking him for months what was wrong and getting the same answer “nothing” he finally admitted that he was thinking of cheating on me. We were and still are both Christians and had to work to get through this. We have been married now for 25 years and feel very blessed to be together.

  • daisystar

    I am really thankful to God for all of your lives. Especially the wives that had to deal with their husband looking at porn or images of lingerie models. I am not being mean or anything like that but please bear with me. When i saw the article and it said about something being hidden, i though it was an affair but a lingerie model? Well… I’m glad you guys worked through it.

    To be honest i got upset when i realized that the big cover up was a lingerie model not an affair because i have been looking at a lot of christian sites and i haven’t received much help.

    My husband (25 year) has cheated on me several times with several other women to the extent that he used to go on social media just to look to women to hook up with… and we have been married since May 2012. He had been locking his phone and literally told me several times to move my eyes away and not learn the password. I finally found it and looked at all the messages and pictures. I was so heart broken… And this has happened more than 3 times before we got married and after marriage. I thought by marrying him he would see and know my commitment to our future but it seems it is not important to him.

    My pastor says not to divorce because God hates divorce and the only way i can leave is if my husband decides to leave me cos i found out the hard way that all the time i thought he was a believer he wasn’t

    So please forgive me if i think you should cut your husband some slack and just work through it cos it is way better than a serial cheater.

    Finally, what advise can you give me? I am 24 years and I really want out of the marriage even though he always tells me he loves me all the time… I have forgiven him as much as i can. Thanks.

  • http://unveiledwife.com/ Unveiled Wife

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. You are right women struggle too! I am praying for you right now.

  • http://twitter.com/kingskreation Nancy

    My husband doesn’t struggle with this, I do. I’ve recently discovered that it comes from a long line generational sexual abuse. 3 Generations that I know of and my older sister as well. It wasn’t that I cared about what I was seeing, it was the only way I’d ever known what Love felt like, pleasing myself, because I had been through so much abuse: rape, sexual bullying in Jr. High School, attacked and almost raped by 4 men, verbally abused severely by most of the men I thought loved me. It’s a sick cycle and a long story. I’m healing now and I’ve confessed everything to my husband.

    He immediately forgave me, without a second to spare between my confession and his forgiving. He immediately hugged me and told me that he loved me; he also told me I am beautiful. He never once questioned if it was him or my motive for doing these things and looking at porn. I also wrote erotica for many years because it was a way to express all that I ever wanted in a marriage, in a husband. I sit here in tears trying to write this. It’s not just about husbands, we women do the same things. I didn’t get caught, I volunteered everything because I knew I couldn’t heal unless I did. I’m finally not ashamed or guilt-ridden. This is the first time I’ve written about this publicly, so I hope some of this helps someone else to ‘heal’ their own lives of this addiction.

  • Merlin

    For the past forty years my mom had been hit by my father mostly coz of his anger. He behaves much devilish. But let me tell you, Christ’s unconditional love which He has poured in my mom’s heart has sustained her. ITs only Jesus, Jesus and Jesus that has made my mom go through the suffering. She had been ministering to people, praying for them , fasting for them and found her solace in Christ. Lord din allow my parents to get divorced. A normal woman wil not live in such circumstances. But let me tell you, Father God will help you to pass through this weary trial but he would use this to purify and mould you and prepare for His soon coming.

  • Neshama

    thank you

  • keltrinswife

    Prayers sent for God to move in your marriage

  • Neshama

    Mine matter is quite differant yet it is still a cop out, but my husband struggles with television and cartoons, seriously he will be 50 this year and he runs to the mailbox to get his netflix cartoons and old movies science fiction, marx brothers ect … Nothing sensual at all and I know because while Im prancing around in a new nightgown he is laying right here next to me totally oblivious to my presence… He does spend alot of time on his computer but I have found nothing harmful there only more of the same thing. I feel like I have married a spiritually immature bieng and one that knows nothing else except to fullfil his own needs .. Please pray for us.

  • Angel Greene

    I am struggling on HOW to forgive my husbands adulterous behavior. I want to forgive him but when we are in the same room I am so full of pain I don’t talk to him.

  • keltrinswife

    Thank you Rachel! Great to meet you and your family. Be blessed :)

  • Aya

    My husband and I were happily married for a few years. After a while, I noticed him becoming very selfish sexually and withdrawn. Finally I discovered that he rather fantasize about being with other women than being with me as his wife. I did everything I could do to maintain my appearance, but it wasn’t enough. We even went through counseling. Of course, his fantasizes began to take a deviant darkside. Being a victim of child sexual abuse, I had to leave the relationship. That was not the worse of it. The worse was having my Christian friend’s judge me because I didn’t give a play by play detailed account of why I left. I forgave this person, but you want me to try him in the court of church opinion!? One lady in the church even wrote me a letter of what a horrible Christian wife I was for divorcing him. At any rate, he still struggles…well has given himself over to “porn” (and that is putting it lightly). I am just glad I am out of that mess and God is keeping me.

  • keltrinswife

    My prayer is that it does help. Be blessed :)

  • keltrinswife

    Thank you for sharing. You are very admirable helping your husband. Be blessed :)

  • http://twitter.com/RachelWojo Rachel Wojnarowski

    Bless you Girl!! You made the right choice and how richly God has blessed you.  Thank you for being bold and brave in sharing your story and for your husband’s commitment to share it too.  So cool to meet you tonight at the Clippers game!!

  • keltrinswife

    Thank you! 

  • Amandae208

    That’s awesome that u shared your story..sometimes we need to talk about stuff like rhis we never know who might benefit..

  • Kerisearl

    Thank you for sharing. My husband has a sexual addiction and I am choosing to forgive him and support him to get healthy. My daughter deserves a healthy father and I will help my brother in Christ. We see a sexual addictions counselor, husband attends celebrate recovery group at church, and we stay close to God. Broken things can be beautiful things if you let God do the mending.

  • Ladyesther36

    Thanks for sharing. This is one of the most painful things to a woman’s heart. God has taught me he is the only 100% trustworthy person in the world. I trust Him with my heart completely. I still struggle trusting men however.

  • guest

    if u are in an abusive marriage,then God will understand if u get out.God doesnt want you in anything that puts you or your children in danger.will be praying for you and that God will give you wisdom. 

  • guest

    yes,thank you for ur story.i too struggle with completely trusting my husband again.i have been married to my husband for over 26 yrs.i found out abt his struggle with this abt 10 yrs ago,mostly due to me not wanting to see it.the rock bottom for us was when he was on in the middle of the night and i got up and caught him red-handed…so to speak.it was a week later he was diagnosed with sinus cancer.for over a yr and half,between the chemo and radiation and hospital stays,his drive was gone.no sex at all.but then, it came back with a vengence.i was watching a little t.v and he came out of no where.but knowing he still struggles with this daily,i too,still struggle with trusting him on the computer daily.he is a night owl,so he comes to bed after me and my mind goes into panic,but i have to remind myself to stop and pray.

  • Tonierogers

    I don’t know that the Bible specifically mentions hitting but imo pastor has said that he doesn’t believe a woman has to stay if she is being physically harmed. If he is hitting you and hurting you – then you need to find someone safe to go away from him. If he loves you he will get some help.

  • mdumas624

    I’m never one encourage divorce EVER, neither is my pastor… but I do know that when preaching and speaking about sticking it out through the tough times and such he always makes an effort to say he is not speaking to the women who are being physically abused.  There is no where in the bible where that is allowed or should ever be tolerated.  I don’t know your exact situation, but I do know that if you’re husband is willing to get help that’s a GREAT start, but from today until he’s healed by the grace of God (which is completely possible), I would get out of your environment.  I too was in an abusive relationship with my son’s father, my son saw things at his young age (3 at the time) that he still mentions to this day.  I’m glad I got the courage to get out and I pray that you will too.  I will be praying for you. xoxo

  • keltrinswife

    Sarah
    I am so glad that your Pastor was able to help you guys and you were able to get married. I believe a lot of men struggle with this especially since images are everywhere. I agree as wives we do have a responsibility to help, support, and pray. I find it a privilege to pray for my husband :)  
    I am so glad your husband has a friend to help keep him accountable. That is great! 
    Thank you for reply and be blessed :)  

  • Stephaniemartin71

    Thank you for sharing this. I’m really struggling to forgive.

  • Lisi

    This is great but what if your husband hits you out of anger or you are in an abusive marriage? How do you deal with that? I have no one to turn to? What does the Bible say? Does God say anything about this? Just wondered. Fantastic and very helpful article!

  • H Rees

    Yes, I’ve delt with this issue as well, but my husband was looking at porn. I know exactly how she felt when she found out. My husband agreed with me that it was wrong, but he also explained that he felt that I put our sex life(him) as my last priority. Our kids came first, our animals care came first, and my training for triatholons came first. I had to pray on this, and we fought and prayed together on this issue. Our husbands need our attention, sex, to fulfill their deepest needs. Sex is the way that they feel most deeply loved & and appreciated for who they are as men. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary & I continually work on this. I chose to forgive him & trust him as well, and it has been the most freeing & best choice that I have ever made.

  • 714olague

    May God keep blessing your marriage :)

  • Sarah

    This was such a great article for me. My husband struggles with this issue as well. I first found out about his struggle just a couple of weeks before we were married. Thanks to our Pastor, I was able to overcome the hurt and realize that he needed my prayers and my support. With television and billboards everywhere, it is still something he struggles with. But we have an open relationship and I help keep him accountable along with his best friend. So many men struggle with this particular addiction and we, as their wives, need to be praying for our husbands that God would guard their hearts and minds against this powerful weapon of the enemy!!

Jennifer Schwickerath

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Jennifer currently resides in The Buckeye State with her husband and son. She loves God, her husband, and her son--in that order. She is a daily receiver of grace and loves to encourage others.
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”