Shame lurks in the shadows of my past. It quickly creeps up behind me when I want to move forward in my faith and ministry. Shame tells me I’m not good enough, not pure enough; that my past is too contaminated by sin to be of any use to anyone; especially God. Shame desires to have dominion over me; to become my captor.
I used to keep myself hidden from others. I was scared that if people, particularly Christians, found out who I was in the past, they would reject me, invalidate me or dis-count my value. I took on many faces; showing only what I believed they could handle. I knew my husband would love me regardless of what he learned about my past, but I didn’t feel that he could ever be proud to call me his wife.
But what the enemy implores me to remember, the Lord commands me to forget.
“Do not call to mind the former things or ponder things of the past. Behold! I am doing a new thing.” – Isaiah 43:18-19
Chasing satisfaction was a tiresome pursuit that God wanted to give me rest from. It wasn’t until I began pursuing a relationship with Him that I saw myself being washed of the world and renewed in my spirit.
I was amazed that my past was forgiven and my sins were washed away. Could it really be that simple? I felt safe in God’s presence; for He saw me at my worst and accepted me anyway.
And then…I met Wouter; the man I loved long before he even knew who I was, the one I would spend the rest of my life with. The one I wanted to give the best of myself to.
Pain and shame over the past seized me once again. This time though, I would have to face it; confess it all.
I remember the day I looked my future husband in the eye and unveiled myself. When I saw his countenance fall, I realized the lie I had been believing. Until that moment, I somehow thought I would be the only one affected by the consequences of my sin.
Once again God’s mercy abounded when Wouter showed me understanding and compassion. His own past enabled him to relate to me on even ground. To this day he has never, even once, made me feel insecure over anything from my past. His acceptance and love has freed me to be who God is calling me to be.
I am free from shame as long as I understand how to see it through God’s eyes. My Creator has not rejected me! My marriage has been liberated and I am free to open the book of my past and read from its pages in hopes that the story will influence and touch the lives of others.
- Jennifer Roos
This piece on Shame is part of a series, please read more ~> www.freeingf8th.blogspot.com
Ask yourself this question:
Is shame holding me back from moving forward?